It’s Summer B 2014, and freshmen desperation is in the air: You can find them moving in herds of 50 across Midtown, clogging the Starbucks on campus and wearing head-to-toe orange and blue. This isn’t a dig, though, class of 2018. We were in your (brand-new) shoes at one point, and we’re imparting some wisdom to you: Nobody is too cool for an umbrella. Carry an umbrella. And call your mom once a while.
Here it is, y’all: Your too-busy-pregaming-for-the-Fourth-of-July-to-do-those-comparative-politics-readings edition of
Darts & Laurels
Just when you were starting to miss the dumb “teen trends” (created by the lamestream media to keep us distracted from real issues in the world), a gem comes along. The latest teenage-dude gross-out trend to make clickbait-y headlines this week is called “Bubbling.” Bubbling is pretty straightforward: For whatever reason, guys are peeing into their own mouths and posting pictures of it on social media.
Honestly, of all the teen fads to get upset over, this one’s gotta be the least scandalous. It’s certainly nothing compared to vodka eyeballing, vodka tamponing or anything else involving vodka entering various bodily orifices. We’re tossing a you-can-be-more-creative-than-that DART to the uncreative lame-os coming up with horrible teen trends these days.
And of course, Americans are still talking about Tuesday’s FIFA World Cup match. The U.S. squared off against Belgium for a heartbreaker of a game. Thanks to the record-breaking 16 saves by America’s new heartthrob, Tim Howard, the U.S. men’s national team walked away from Brazil with at least some dignity.
The bearded, tattooed future 2016 presidential candidate (we wish) can come back to the States and never pay for a drink again. And after the abysmal outing the U.S. had on offense, we wouldn’t blame the American hero for knocking back a few upon arrival. You deserve it bud. Here’s a you-could-have-saved-my-parents-marriage LAUREL to Howard.
Here at the Alligator, we love Tinder — talking about it, comparing matches and analyzing our bios (our opinions editor recommends using esoteric Spongebob quotes to stand out among the scores of long-haired, skinny-arming sorority girls). But this week, the details of a nasty lawsuit between Tinder’s co-founders was released to the public. Whitney Wolfe, one of the app’s co-founders, is suing the company for sexual harassment, alleging that she was belittled by fellow co-founders Justin Mateen and Sean Rad. In addition to receiving nasty texts from a fellow co-founder and ex-boyfriend, she was threatened to have her title as co-founder stripped because having a female co-founder would make Tinder seem “like a joke,” according to New York Magazine.
Wow. How are we ever going to encourage women to enter STEM fields when misogyny and sexism run rampant and unchecked. We’re tossing a f**k-you-and-your-Mad-Men-bullshit DART to Tinder founders Mateen and Rad.
Finally, we’re awarding a Happy-238th-Birthday to America! As Lana Del Rey says (or moans), “Be young, be dope, be proud/like an American.”
[A version of this editorial ran on page 6 on 7/3/2014 under the headline "Darts & Laurels"]
