We know Spring Fever — a general increase in energy and sexual appetite — is definitely a thing, but it seemed this week that sudden-loud-and-horrible-opinions-from-old-white-guys fever is a thing, too. From “Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak coming out over Twitter as a global-warming truther (and inexplicably calling global warming “alarmists” unpatriotic and racist?) to a Florida representative claiming that the Common Core is part of the “gay agenda,” we’re left scratching our heads. So this one goes out to all irrelevant game show hosts and bigots with microphones: our keep-calm-but-maybe-don’t-carry-on? edition of Darts & Laurels
If you thought the “Common Core is a tool for the LGBT agenda” thing was a doozy, then you haven’t heard the recently unearthed footage of Ted Yoho suggesting only property owners should have the right to vote. Looks like the election for Florida’s third district congressional seat is between two LARPers: A sexy vampire and a Revolutionary War reenactor.
But is anyone surprised? It’s certainly not the most outlandish thing Yoho has said — he once said the Affordable Care Act is racist because it includes a tax on tanning beds. Obviously it’ll never happen, but it certainly shows his attitude toward college student voters. This week, we’re tossing a lol-nice-try DART at Florida Rep. Ted Yoho.
Good news, though, for all of you who want to escape the Muggle world of homophobia and regressive voting politics: This week, the Tampa Bay Times published a lengthy and enticing guide to Universal Studios’ new Diagon Alley additions. It opens in June and will include a Hogwarts Express, the new “Escape from Gringotts” ride and expansions to the previously too-small Hogsmeade area. We’re giving Universal Studios a shut-up-and-take-my-money LAUREL this week for giving the public what they want, nay, deserve: more Harry Potter shit to buy.
Though the college graduation season is over, high school graduation season is just beginning. But let’s be real: High school graduations are way less fun than college graduations. The commencement speeches are given by lame history teachers instead of cool celebrities, the robes are uglier and no one is drunk. None of these perfectly valid complaints mattered to Manatee High School in Bradenton, where coveted seats at its commencement went for $200 a pop — which, by the way, is more than a ticket to the Fleetwood Mac reunion tour. Only instead of witnessing legendary rock icons, you get to listen to a stammering valedictorian quote “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Manatee High, you’re getting a DART for charging exorbitant prices for graduation tickets when you should be paying people to even go to the ceremony in the first place.
Finally, we’re awarding a badass-of-the-week LAUREL to the 57-year-old Pasco woman who put up one helluva fight with the car thief who tried to make off with her van. According to the Tampa Bay Times, Sandra Berryman hit, kicked and bit the perp until he gave up and fled.
Until next week — Happy Memorial Day, Gators!
[A version of this editorial ran on page 6 on 5/22/2014 under the headline "Darts & Laurels"]
