WASHINGTON — Congress has reached a stalemate, the effects of which haven’t been felt since the government shutdown in 2013. Apparently, this stalemate was reached after Sen. Simpson, D-Ohio, filibustered a bill concerning whom to completely screw over next.
“I really wanted to screw over some war veterans,” Simpson said. “I was thinking of doing it slowly by denying them pension privileges.”
Philosophical objectivist Sen. Flanders, R-N.D., struck down the bill, saying that it would practically be giving those dirty, no-good veterans who fought our freedoms what they want.
Some politicians think disguising their desires to completely screw constituents as security protocol is the best alternative. Convicted sex offender and Transportation Security Administration agent Moe Lester shares this political viewpoint.
“I love my job. I get to do what I was doing before, except now I get paid for it,” Lester said while finishing a cavity search of the ninth randomly selected Arab man who decided to fly on that particular day. “And the best part,” he continued, “is that now the people who I do this to pay me to do it to them via taxes.”
Other congressmen think the most pragmatic way of screwing hard-working Americans is by specializing. Since half of the nation is female, some congressmen think trying to screw their specific demographic will be easy.
“I’m not a doctor,” one politician said, “but I am qualified to make decisions regarding health because my medical expertise comes from Jesus, who healed the sick and gave the blind sight, making him the best doctor who ever lived. I can consequentially tell women what to do and what not to do with their bodies.”
“Politics and I never got along, but I wouldn’t vote for him,” Jesus said.
Some politicians think the best way to screw hard-working Americans requires a direct approach: screwing them in their mouth. Not unlike the 2010 BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, a recent oil spill in Lake Michigan is affecting local residents’ drinking water.
“For the love of God and all things holy, I am so sick,” Detroit homeowner Michael Mansberg said while coughing up blood. “I’m not even opposed to Big Oil, but it’s 2014. How did we not force these companies to build their pipelines with basic safety valves to prevent this?!”
“Well, that’s easy,” Big Oil said. “They cost money. They’re cheap as dirt, but they cost money. I don’t want to spend money, and Congress isn’t going to say no to me. I’m Big Oil, for Christ’s sake.”
Christ raised his eyebrows while Big Pharma smiled and agreed.
[Zachary Lee is a satirist and UF philosophy freshman. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 4/16/2014 under the headline "Lawmakers decide who to ruin next"]
