I started today like most Americans: thinking I knew exactly what it means to be a basic bitch. But, boy, was I schooled on the matter.
The term by which society refers to “extra-regular females” has been around for years. It originated somewhere between the time of David and Goliath, according to “Oh No They Didn’t” in a 2009 article in New York Magazine.
You might be a little worried at this point because, “OMG I posted a #NationalSiblingDay pic yesterday. Am I basic?”
The short answer is yes, but don’t worry about it too much. We’re all a little basic.
Regardless of what you think qualifies as a basic bitch, you’re probably one in some way or another.
And with that, I present to you a list of things to avoid lest you be deemed basic by whatever basic bitch thinks she has the end-all-and-be-all say in what is basic.
So get ready, because this list is dense:
In order to avoid being basic, a person must not like any Top 40 song.
Well, you can like one or two, but anything more than that equals basic. That’s not too bad because you only listen to Internet radio, and you’re totally stoked for Coachella and the awesome line up, right? Think again. Basic bitches also “LITERALLY LIVE for Coachella.”
Do not like Coachella, don’t be excited about Dum Dum Girls or HAIM or Bastille or Ellie Goulding or CHVRCHES or MGMT or Kid Kudi or Pharrell Williams or his hat — hold on, I need to catch my breath — Foster the People, Lorde, Neutral Milk Hotel, Solange, Skrillex, Calvin Harris, Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, Calvin Harris — wait I already said that — I meant Arcade Fire. All basic. Did I miss anyone? Basically, don’t like Coachella. Don’t like music festivals or music: That’s basic.
Whatever you do, stay away from pumpkin spice lattes. That. Drink. Is. Basic. I don’t care if you like them, only basic bitches drink that kind of latte. As a matter of fact, stay away from Starbucks. Only basics like Starbucks, and that’s why with more than 18,000 stores in the world, it’s one of the most popular coffee companies. So many basics, ugh. You don’t want to be one of them. As a matter of fact, coffee is pretty basic. Stay away from coffee.
The only thing more basic than liking music or coffee is liking exercise. Do not like cycling. Do not like the elliptical. Do not like core workouts. But most importantly, do not like yoga. Yoga sounds like YOLO, which sounds like basic.
Good thing you never liked music, coffee or working out. Your one and only favorite thing remains unbasic. Shopping, that is. Get in, loser, we’re going — no, stop it right there, quoting “Mean Girls” is basic. And so is shopping. Because clothes are basic. Kreayshawn said it first, Gucci and Louis are basic. NastyGal is basic. Coach is basic. Yoga pants are basic.
You are basic.
So what I’m saying is, you can be basic, but not too basic; otherwise you will offend the Internet. And only basic bitches care what the Internet thinks.
As @RoyalTrillness once tweeted, “Say ‘basic bitch’ and I swear I’ll slap you wit my strong hand.”
It’s a basic world, and we’re all just bitching in it.
[Marjorie Nunez is a UF journalism senior. Her columns appear on Fridays. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 4/11/2014 under the headline "A nonconformist guide to not being basic"]
