How was your Spring Break? Meet anyone fun? Get a tan? Learn how to perform oral sex from your phone?
Lick This, an app released this week, supposedly teaches users just that. The app is available on your mobile browser at lickthisapp.com, so you don’t even have to download anything and potentially explain to someone that you need an app to learn how to perform oral sex.
The app specifically focuses on going down on the ladies. There are three different exercises that supposedly increase cunnilingus skills. Because, you know, your ability to bounce a beach ball with your tongue directly correlates to your ability to make a woman orgasm.
Now, let’s state the obvious — ew.
I know exactly how many bars and frat houses my phone has been in, and I can say with certainty that there is no way I’m putting my tongue on it unless it’s thoroughly covered in plastic wrap, which the app creator actually suggests.
Even if I were guaranteed not to catch something, this is still ignoring the fact that, let’s face it, my iPhone screen is nothing like a vulva.
The flat glass screen doesn’t compare to the warm skin of a lady, nor can it give me feedback.
I asked a friend of mine who has more experience performing cunnilingus if he could tell me his thoughts. He said the app is entertaining but not actually helpful because females all want different things.
Some want more pressure, some want a lighter touch, and some want you to go faster. But according to the app, as long as you can sharpen a pencil with your tongue, you’re an oral sex wizard.
This is the biggest problem with sex apps. Sure, they’re fun, but they aren’t a substitute for the real deal.
If you want to learn how to improve your oral sex ability, find a willing partner to practice on. They can probably give you better tips because they, you know, can actually talk to you.
This applies to any sex-related app. Apps like Tinder and Grindr are popular for finding hook-ups, but what’s wrong with doing that in person?
It’s cool that I can meet hot singles in my area from the comfort of my home — and from the comfort of my pajamas — but we’re in college, guys! Go to a club or a party. Talk to that cute person in your class.
Don’t get me wrong: I do get the appeal. I’m never separated from technology for more than a few hours. I sleep with my phone under my pillow, and, to be honest, I’m already practically dating my computer.
These apps interest us as millennials because we already rely on technology for so much.
However, I think that relying on it for interpersonal relationships, which sex very much is, is dangerous.
Tech-based sex is a good way to bring up the conversation and make sex more mainstream, but I think ultimately it detracts from the personal intimacy that is sex.
How are you going to get to know someone, emotionally or physically, if you spend all your time staring at your phone screen?
If you are unsure of your oral sex ability, or anything sexual for that matter, discuss that with your partner rather than turning to an app.
If we as a society aren’t careful about our technological improvements, use of these apps will turn straight into a scene from “Her.” Imagine walking in on your significant other going down on his or her phone, but for real and not just for instruction.
If Lick This interests you and you do choose to get intimate with your phone, remember to use protection. Lay down some plastic wrap and make sure your device has a virus blocker — you don’t want to catch anything.
[Robyn Smith is a UF journalism sophomore. Her columns appear on Mondays. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 3/10/2014 under the headline "Oral sex app ignores body intricacies"]
