SIMFEROPOL — The Autonomous Republic of Crimea might not remain so autonomous.
Sunday’s preliminary votes showed that the people of Crimea want to assimilate and eventually become a part of the Russian Federation.
“I voted for joining Russia because of the economic, social and holistically political benefits,” Dmitry Polachev said. “It has nothing to do with the night terrors I get of Russian soldiers invading my hometown, burning my house down, kidnapping my wife and wearing the corpses of my children as hats.”
De facto prime minister of Crimea Sergey Aksyonov claims he counted all the votes by hand himself — twice — and is confident that no errors were made in the voting process.
Behind him, President Vladimir Putin sat smiling silently during the interview, and he cleared his throat on occasion.
At the sound of Putin’s trachea self-ventilating, Aksyonov would whimper, tear up, perspire and then continue speaking with stuttered diction.
“The United Nations is taking serious measures against Russia’s illegal and morally reprehensible military advances on neighboring countries,” said United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “We’ve already drafted multiple different resolutions all with threats emptier than the UN bank account and promises so false it’ll make North Korea’s propaganda look like the unalterable word of God.”
After the interview, the Secretary-General went back to his office, where he kicked his feet onto his desk, watched Netflix, let his nails dry and gossiped with President Barack Obama about how they “can’t believe Kim Jong Un claimed he created that haircut, because the dude from A Flock of Seagulls totally invented it first.”
Not everybody is critical of Putin, however.
Some constituents are actually very happy with his policies and practices.
“Czar Putin and I hang out on the weekends, play golf and stuff,” a wild brown bear said, between wiping his blood-smeared mouth after eating a deer strangled by Putin himself. “He’s a really cool guy. I’m ashamed to hear that people claim that he uses intimidation tactics and brute force as a way to occupy territory that’s indisputably not his.”
Meanwhile, in Sochi, the Fifth Olympic Ring finally opened up from the 2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony.
“I don’t understand what’s going on at all,” Andrei, the Fifth Olympic Ring said. “I know I’m a bit late, but my boyfriend and I were out doing normal things that couples do when together in a perfectly consenting relationship and having no impact on literally anybody’s way of life whatsoever.”
Before the interview concluded, the Fifth Olympic Ring was suddenly arrested for “crimes against the state,” and he was shipped off to the Gulag to be, according to Russian authorities, “cured by a complex medicine of demanding physical work and biweekly floggings.”
Meanwhile, Tchaikovsky, a Russian nationalist, homosexual composer of famous works like “The Nutcracker,” rolled in his grave.
Additionally, not too far from Tchaikovsky’s grave, a homosexual Crimean deer wrote his Last Will and Testament.
[Zachary Lee is a satirist and UF philosophy freshman. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 3/20/2014 under the headline "Citing their love of Putin, Crimeans vote for assimilation"]
