Every now and then, Grantland.com attempts to write the worst sports column on Earth. Today, Adam will try, too.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said Monday the league might remove the point after touchdown.
Good, I say, and about time.
The point after touchdown — or as I like to call it, beer-after-touchdown time — is atrocious.
The league should not be standing PAT on this issue. Kick this ancient rule to the curb.
I don’t pay exorbitant amounts of money to watch kickers — who barely qualify as athletes — kick the ball through the uprights with nearly 100 percent proficiency. That’s boring.
I pay to see grown men hurl themselves at each other for my own personal entertainment. If I wanted to watch players kick the ball, I’d move to the United Kingdom and watch footy.
Didn’t we have a war so we wouldn’t have to live that way? George Washington would despise the extra point. Papa George wanted things to be exciting. That’s why he made his men cross the Delaware River in the middle of the night.
But I digress. Good riddance to the extra point, and while we’re at it, I think there are a lot of rule changes that would make sports a lot more fun to watch.
First, we’ll take on my least favorite of the major American sports: basketball. In my opinion, basketball needs something to spice it up. Each score is nearly irrelevant on its own. If a team scores 80 points in a game, then any given two-point basket is worth exactly one-fortieth of a win.
Compare that to baseball, where one run can be 100 percent of the score. It will almost never be fewer than 10 percent.
So let’s add some more important shots.
Half-court shots are infinitely harder than their three-point counterparts. They should be worth at least twice as much. Now, teams down by a couple normal baskets late can opt to attempt low-percentage shots that have a higher reward. Get those coaches’ brains cooking.
And can we stop pretending dunks aren’t the best type of scoring? They’re the most exciting plays in the game. Make them worth more than a measly two points. Give the fans a whiteboard and they can figure out how much the slam should be worth. Let the free market decide.
While we’re on the topic of basketball, I think one of the best changes that should be made is adding hockey-esque line changes. No more of this “checking in” stuff when play stops. Have players come in and out at will. But the coach better make sure there are only five on the court at any time!
As for baseball, which I think is unfairly criticized as being boring, there is one change I would make.
National League, your resistance was cute, but it’s time to adopt the designated hitter.
Put your pitchforks down, NL fans. I’m just telling you the truth.
The fans want the long ball. No one likes 1-0 pitchers’ duels. That’s just what baseball fans tell themselves so they can feel better while their pitcher fails to bunt three times in a row.
People don’t go to the ballpark to watch double switches. They want to see the ball leave the yard! Offense is king!
Know when baseball was at its peak? The 1990s, when balls were flying out of ballparks.
McGwire and Sosa, Bonds and Palmeiro. Just the names take me back to when I was young and the world was right.
Now we’re supposedly in a new pitcher-dominated age. Forget it. Give me massive sluggers walloping the ball 500 feet like it’s nothing.
More home runs, and no extra points. That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
Follow Adam Lichtenstein on Twitter @alichtenstein24
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell signs autographs before the NFC Championship game between the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.
