Some things get better with age: wine, Mustangs, George Clooney. But when it comes to the art of picking up women, some men just never get the hang of it.
I signed up for Tinder, the superficial hot-or-not app that lets you start a conversation upon mutually finding each other attractive. Swipe left: Nope, play again. Swipe right: Let’s bone.
I left my tagline ambiguous: “Cats, writing and general shenanigans,” and I purposely swiped right to every guy Tinder threw my way.
Old guys, young guys, married guys. And in three days, I had 905 matches.
Excluding the hundreds of “hey :)” openers, here are the best, the worst and the flat-out I-need-a-restraining-order pickup lines by age range. But to be fair, no one turns to a hookup app for love, so cut these fellas some slack.
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“U know every guy that swipes yes/no w u is deciding whether or not he’d f**k u right?” No response. “U seem really boring. I’m gonna block u now.” |
Age: 23 |
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“Wow you’re f**king beautiful. Your human friend is cute too I guess.” Referring to my cat. |
Age: 23 |
| “Do u believe in love at first sight or do u need to look at my pic again lol how u doin beautiful” | Age: 24 |
| “Hey there! You are way to classy to be from florida haha Am i right?” | Age: 21 |
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“You looking for a thrill or something” No response. “Txt me and ill show you what you want?” |
Age: 23 |
| “Yu sexy nim glasses ma” | Age: 21 |
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“Hi how u doing i got to say u very cute with your glass” No response. “And can I take u on a date” |
Age: 21 |
| “Come to marriott by best bet I will cuddle u like a supreme champion” | Age: 24 |
| “Hey beautiful what are you doing for the jaguars game. They are on a winning streak and my claws are out” | Age: 29 |
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“I always like a woman that can do her thing in boots.” “But you can leave the six shooter behind.” “I’m good for plenty of shots ;)” “Do you want to see what I’m packing?” Later… “Oh also I’m into water sports. Have you ever pis**d on a guy, or been pis**d on yourself?” |
Age: 33 |
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“You are beautiful! Is Alexa short for anything?” Response: “No.” |
Age: 30 |
| “I don’t know what’s better, the adorable picture of your cat or your smile….just kidding. It’s your smile. ;-) So what do you hope to get out of tinder?” | Age: 32 |
| “Cupid says we’d make cute children, and I tend to agree! :)” | Age: 37 |
| “Hey. Where do you live?” | Age: 45 |
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“How’s it going? I found your Shenanigans comment pretty amusing.” No response. “You mentioned that you like to write. That is fascinating. What do you enjoy writing about?” |
Age: 42 |
| “hiya ms smiley” | Age: 42 |
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“heyy” Tagline: Yes, that’s my wife in those pics but it’s okay, she thinks you’re cute too. |
Age: 41 |
| “Please tell me your a webcam” | Age: 45 |
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“Hi Alexa. :)” Tagline: No offense...but my wife is rude hag. I just want to have some fun. NSA. |
Age: 45 |
A version of this story ran on page 7 on 11/21/2013 under the headline "SWF in Gainesville seeks anyone — anyone — on Tinder"
Popular hookup app Tinder matches users in close vicinty who find each other attractive and allows them to chat.
