Sitting at 4-5 with a likely loss ahead of them in Columbia, S.C., the Gators could easily be batting .400 by weekend’s end. With that possibility in mind, as well as our nation’s recent observance of Veterans Day — thank you for your service — we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column would like to talk about Ted Williams — Teddy Ballgame — the last man to bat better than .400 in Major League Baseball.
While Williams’ .400 — actually .406 — is much better than a .400 would be on Florida’s end, we think this Hall of Famer had several bits of wisdom that would do the Gators good.
Will these quotes be out of context? How could you even ask such a question?
Of course these quotes will be taken out of context.
So, sit back, relax and get ready for some “Ted Talk!” (See what we did there?)
1. “If you don’t think too good, don’t think too much.”
Put simply, this tells dumb people to avoid thinking too hard. But there’s a deeper meaning here. Read what defensive coordinator D.J. Durkin said on Wednesday: “You can’t let circumstances define where you’re at and what you’re doing.” Below .500 and reeling, it’s probably hard for UF to “think good” and push away the bad thoughts. So, quit the thinking, go out there and play your game!
2. “If there was ever a man born to be a hitter, it was me.”
Are the Gators simply going to lie down and let good old Ted be the only hitter out there? Somebody tell us right now that Dante Fowler Jr. isn’t a hitter. Somebody tell us that Loucheiz Purifoy isn’t a hitter. Hell, Jarrad Davis is “a guy who sticks his face in the fan,” according to Will Muschamp. We damn well know he’s a hitter. Go out there and hit somebody — legally!
3. “They invented the All-Star Game for Willie Mays.”
Here is Florida’s most significant challenge of all. In order to get back on track, the Gators need to — BAHAHA! The quote’s about Willie Mays! I honestly cannot believe you read that far expecting to gain some actual wisdom from that. Good grief.
To those of you making the trip to Steve Spurrier’s home of nine years, have a safe journey. For those of y’all staying home, try to make it through Saturday without firing coach Muschamp, OK? Jeremy Foley can’t do GatorZone interviews every week.
Today, we have Joe Morgan and Adam Pincus debating the Duke-Miami matchup.
Forget .406! The Blue Devils (+3) will have the ‘Canes dialing 4-1-1 because…
Miami cannot remember its last loss to Duke. Break out the record books and tell Coach K to take a backseat and police tanking NBA teams a little bit longer because David Cutcliffe is currently the king of Durham.
- Joe Morgan
Duke will call Miami (-3) the greatest hitter to ever play the game because…
These Blue Devils are in for one hell of a reality check. The U does not lose to frickin’ Duke! Are you out of your mind? Go home, Joe! You’re drunk.
- Adam Pincus
Now onto the picks!
Still leading the pack at 52-31-5 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe “Steve SPILL-berg” Morgan, who slipped and fell while walking through his apartment this week. Hey, Joe. Disney put out a casting call for Star Wars: Episode VII this week. They need an actor to play the Stormtrooper who dies first.
Tied for first is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Adam “Butt Fumble” Lichtenstein, who had the audacity to wear a Mark Sanchez jersey in the office this week. We know you’re hard on yourself, but have some self-respect, man. Besides, it’s Geno Smith’s team now!
Next up at 49-34-5 is alligatorSports Editor Phillip “Holier Than Thou” Heilman, who recently decided to impart some life lessons while playing Madden on Xbox Live. Listen, bud. When you follow up some sage advice by eating a potato chip off your bare chest, it’s hard to take you seriously. That’s the Buddha’s shtick, man!
A few games back but still in the hunt at 45-38-5 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Adam “When’s the press conference start?” Pincus, who still texts his colleagues to figure out the media schedule despite this year being his second covering Gators football. Repeat after me, Pincus: cal-en-dar.
Tied with Pincus is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Omaha bound!” Jones, who spent Wednesday tweeting all about Florida baseball’s signing class. We know you’re looking for the next Mike Zunino, Cody, but you can give it a break. Baseball season isn’t for a few more months.
Maintaining a shred of respectability at 44-39-5 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “B.B. Kingpin” Thompson, who was busted back in his youth for firing his BB gun at unsuspecting targets. Who needs drone strikes when you’ve got this guy wandering around?
Finally out of the cellar at 43-40-5 is InsideTheGators.com’s Bryan “Good job! Good effort!” Holt, who made a point of congratulating Vanderbilt fans for last weekend’s victory against Florida. How dare you betray the orange and blue! Whatever happened to “GO GATA” ‘til the death of me?
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 42-41-5 is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “Ladies’ Night” Goldkamp, who agreed to let the old ball and chain — ahem, Holt — leave the apartment for some fun with friends last Saturday night. Good for you, Thomas. It’s important that you each have an identity outside of your relationship.
Follow alligatorSports on Twitter @alligatorSports.
Miami quarterback Stephen Morris (17) passes for a first down during his team's 24-21 win against Wake Forest in Miami Gardens on Oct. 26.
