In honor of this miserable season coming to a close, we at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column would like to honor Florida’s bowl-less offseason. Well, no, that’s not entirely true. There will be plenty of bowls of chips to go around when the Gators are watching any one of 35 bowl games that they couldn’t get invited to. Make sure to remember the French onion dip!
If any Gator needs practice slumming it on the couch, look no further than Thanksgiving dinner. Stay light on the stuffing and save room for seconds!
So grab a turkey leg and begin exercising your thumb on that remote, Gators! Watch some football, and get prepared for what’s going to be a long offseason.
This week, Joe Morgan and Phillip Heilman debate the Iron Bowl — a game that will likely keep fans from changing the channel.
Auburn (+11) will triumph and Alabama will be sitting on the couch at home next weekend during the SEC Championship Game crying, “PAAWWWL” so hard because...
The Tigers have the best rushing offense in the SEC. Nick Saban is no match for — I’m really dumb for picking against Alabama, aren’t I?
- Joe Morgan
Alabama (-11) will mash Auburn up like potatoes en route to another SEC Championship Game appearance because...
Mmmm mashed potatoes are so good. Whip ‘em up with some butter and maybe a little bit of salt and pepper, and you, my friend, have found heaven. Wait, we’re not talking about actual potatoes? Well, then.
- Phillip Heilman
Now onto the picks!
Leading the pack at 64-35-5 is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Adam “Raised in a barn” Lichtenstein, who thinks rocking the shirt-tucked-into-his-jeans looks is proper formal attire. There’s no hope for you unless you accidentally stumble into a Men’s Wearhouse. Maybe then somebody will actually like the way you look, but we can’t guarantee it.
In second at 60-39-5 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe “I cheer for drug abusers!” Morgan, who wore a Justin Blackmon jersey on Sunday to celebrate the Jaguars’ second victory. Sources say Joe and Justin shared a celebratory bowl. Who knows what was in it. Also, the whole Jaguars fan thing is just downright pathetic.
Back in third at 58-41-5 is alligatorSports Editor Phillip “I put the box office on my back” Heilman, who purchased four — FOUR! — tickets to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” this weekend. We wish we could just blame this on some weird celebrity crush on Jennifer Lawrence or something, but you came home talking about Woody Harrelson both nights. Nobody is that good of an actor, man!
First in the non-alligatorSports division and fourth overall at 55-44-5 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “OMG! Im so sry u guys 4 real!” Thompson, who sent a mass email to fellow beat writers following a relatively minor shared transcription snafu. Good Lord, Edgar. Why were you so apologetic? You act like we’re your only friends or something. Oh...
Down in fifth at 53-46-5 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Adam “Hunger Games noob” Pincus, who tried to insert himself into a conversation about “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” by referencing dragons. This isn’t freaking Harry Potter, you incompetent dunce. There aren’t any freaking dragons in “The Hunger Games” trilogy, you obtuse ignoramus.
Tied for sixth at 52-47-5 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “MIA” Jones, who we don’t even remember seeing at last Saturday’s game. Sad things is, we just now realized he wasn’t there. Or maybe he was. Oh, well. He didn’t miss much.
Also in sixth is InsidetheGators.com’s Bryan “Online journalism isn’t real journalism” Holt, who is relegated to the auxiliary press seats to cover basketball games while Pincus actually gets to sit on press row. A short guy like you is probably better off in the crow’s nest anyway. Making fun of your height is a low blow... because you’re short.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 51-48-5 is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “Loser” Goldkamp, who is in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 51-48-5. Like Florida’s coaches, it looks like film study isn’t helping you too much either.
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Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron (10) celebrates a touchdown against LSU on Nov. 9 in Tuscaloosa, Ala.
