Every now and then, Grantland.com attempts to write the worst sports column on Earth. Today, Joe will try, too.
With the 4-5 Gators fading fast, most folks reckon Florida should just reach for the sky.
But I’m not most folks.
With bowl eligibility and good, old-fashioned pride on the line, I suggest that UF should instead reach for the Skyler.
That’s right. I’m talking about Skyler Mornhinweg.
Put him in, coach. He’s ready to play. Today.
“But, Joe,” the masses cry. “He’s just a redshirt freshman.”
Oh, yeah? Somebody tell Jameis Winston he’s a redshirt freshman.
He can’t hear the haters. He can’t even see the haters.
Now you know why he’s squinting all the time.
I bet Skyler’s a squinter. He also wears headphones on the sideline every Saturday.
“Troll, troll, troll,” the haters say. “Blah, blah, blah.”
They try their best, but they can’t get to Skyler.
“What are the haters saying?” I’d ask Skyler.
He’d reply, “Beats (by Dre) me.”
But I’m through with the puns and games. Hear is my point. Just listen.
UF should start Mornhinweg on Saturday.
Tyler Murphy is not the savior Gators fans hoped he’d be, and he’s dealing with an injured throwing shoulder. I don’t see Jeff Driskel walking through that door either.
Driskel doesn’t even know my home address. Even if he did, he’d have to knock first.
Skyler’s been knocking for weeks, but Muschamp hasn’t heard him. Now he’s ringing the doorbell. Ding. Dong.
Muschamp and Brent Pease need answers, so they need to answer. I, too, searched for answers following Florida’s historic loss to Vanderbilt on Saturday.
With a furrowed brow, I sat at the kitchen table the next morning, filling out the Sunday Crossword Puzzle.
“Ten-letter word for ‘Winner,’” the puzzle read.
At first glance, the answer seemed simple: T-I-M-M-Y T-E-B-O-W
Unfortunately, life is not that simple. Legends are for all time, not every time.
Then, it clicked.
M-O-R-N-H-I-N-W-E-G.
For the Gator Nation’s sake, let’s hope Muschamp does the Sunday Crossword Puzzle.
Let’s hope he’s good at it. Most of all, let’s hope he can spell.
Muschamp’s ability to spell could save Florida from its offensive dry spell.
Just fill in the blank, and next week’s 10-letter word for winner will be: B-R-E-N-T P-E-A-S-E or M-R M-U-S-C-H-A-M-P!
If you don’t, next week’s 13-letter word for “Loser” will read: N-O-T M-O-R-N-H-I-N-W-E-G instead of S-T-E-V-E S-P-U-R-R-I-E-R or S-O-U-T-H C-A-R-O-L-I-N-A.
Puzzles are difficult, Will. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time. Same goes for the fans.
M-O-R-N-H-I-N-W-E-G.
Get used to writing it. Get used to tweeting it. Add it to your Spell Check dictionary.
He’s a redshirt freshman. Not a red-squiggly-line-under-his-last-name freshman.
Get used to saying it, too. When talking about the next great UF quarterback, pronounce his name correctly: morn-HEN-wig.
There’s only room for one Verne Lundquist in the Southeastern Conference. Don’t you dare steal Uncle Verne’s carefully crafted shtick of botching every player’s name.
Verne will always have the last chortle, but I digress.
If the Gators go with Mornhinweg in Columbia, S.C., they’ll be the ones chortling on Saturday night.
And when Muschamp fills out the Sunday Crossword Puzzle this weekend fresh off a second straight victory against Spurrier, another 10-letter word will be on his mind.
R-E-D-E-M-P-T-I-O-N.
Follow Joe Morgan on Twitter @joe_morgan.
Skyler Mornhinweg warms up prior to Florida’s 24-7 victory against Kentucky on Sept. 28 in Commonwealth Stadium. Mornhinweg will make the first start of his college career against South Carolina at 7:10 p.m. on Saturday.
