So, we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column heard that the government was back in business and that they celebrated by raising the debt ceiling. Hooray!
Harry Reid was decked out in triple party hats. John Boehner played some Beethoven on a kazoo. Everyone played “Pin the tail on the Democrat” — Get it? Because donkey! — but nobody could get over all the elephants in the room — Get it? Republicans!
We like to celebrate by raising the roof and raising the stakes — hello, Missouri!
We’re sending our very own sports editor Phillip Heilman to Florida’s northernmost game since the Gators played Syracuse in the Carrier Dome in 1991. Also, a little thing called the Southeastern Conference Eastern Division is sort of on the line, so grab your popcorn!
It’s going to be a wild party in Columbia because, well, the Tigers are undefeated! And they’re ranked 14th in the country — not the SEC!
If we had told you that Mizzou would be undefeated and ranked among the nation’s top 15 teams by the time it hosted UF, you probably would have burned our papers in some sort of wild, fiery display.
Of course, it would have made one hell of a party. Just go ahead and do it anyway!
SOMEBODY CALL 9-1-1! SHAWTY FIRE BURNING — sorry. We just love to party. So forgive us for channeling Sean Kingston right there, and we’ll forgive you for burning our newspapers in some bonfire rager you have this weekend.
Whenever democracy triumphs, it’s something worth celebrating. So may your parties be merry! And remember to raise the debt ceil — uh, roof!
This week, two kids hanging out by themselves just looking at their shoes over by the punch bowl — alligatorSports Assistant Editor Adam Lichtenstein and alligatorSports Staff Writer Adam Pincus — debate this Saturday’s contest between Florida and Mizzou.
The Tigers (+3) will get one step closer to earning an invitation to Atlanta because…
The Gators are on the brink of collapse with their season headed into a black hole — kind of what happens at each successive bar on Bourbon Street. Florida needs this game in the worst way, but Maty Mauk will lead Mizzou to victory. Pour one out for UF’s season.
- Adam Pincus
The Gators (-3) are going to dance the night — er, afternoon — away because...
The Tigers will get to tango with Florida’s defense. UF has the No. 4 rush defense in the nation, perfect to stop UM’s potent run game. Unlike the above member of our staff, the Gators are over what happened in Louisiana and are ready to take on the Tigers. Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?
-Adam Lichtenstein
Now onto the picks!
Leading the pack at 34-19-3 is alligatorSports editor Phillip “Winnie the Tattoo” Heilman, who stopped a stranger at a gas station in Alabama last weekend to admire the man’s bear tattoo. Listen, we know you were more interested in the bear’s honey. We get it. You’re lonely. Just please stop talking up the manliness of the tattoo already.
In second with a record of 32-21-3 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe “CALEB STURGIS” Morgan, who joined Florida coach Will Muschamp as the only two men on Earth to yell out the Miami Dolphins kicker’s name in their sleep. We know why Will misses Caleb, Joe, but your longing for him is a little weird. Oh, and Josh Scobee called. He said you told him there was room for only one kicker in your heart.
Sitting in third at 31-22-3 is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Adam “Chivalry is dead” Lichtenstein, who decided to send one of our female photographers out alone in the rain at night to fetch the car after the LSU game. Never mind that our parking spot was a mile away — just as long as you don’t get a little bit wet. Hard to believe you have a girlfriend, bud.
Ranked fourth at 30-23-3 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Fall training” Jones, who has been busy tweeting about Gators baseball scrimmages while there is perfectly good football being played. Karsten Whitson may be throwing 95 mph, but grown men are hitting each other! Get your priorities right, man!
Worst among the alligatorSports crew and in fifth at 28-25-3 is Staff Writer Adam “Oops” Pincus, who could neither stand at attention nor contain his, uh, excitement in an old war story he told in the car on the road to LSU last weekend. Here’s hoping he enjoys stronger and longer-lasting relationships with his future clients.
In sixth at 27-26-3 is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “Heisenberg” Goldkamp, who daydreamed about how much money he could make on the side as an entrepreneur in a certain shady business. Just stick with the game film analysis, bud. Of course, we could see you getting all Walter White-crazy if a fly found its way into your film room.
Barely below .500 at 26-27-3 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Tardy Pass” Thompson, who apologized to Florida offensive coordinator Brent Pease after showing up late to a press conference last week. Thankfully, Pease gave him a pass — just that one time, though. You can’t really blame Edgar. Back when he was in grade school, the nuns beat him with a ruler when he showed up late.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 24-29-3 is InsideTheGators.com’s Bryan “Beef Baby” Holt, who recounted how his mother used to work at Arby’s. It all makes sense now. We’ve always thought you were made entirely of Beef ‘N Cheddar sandwiches — onion bun and all. Your little anecdote confirms our suspicions.
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Missouri quarterback Maty Mauk looks for a receiver during the fourth quarter his team's 58-14 win against Murray State in Columbia, Mo., on Aug. 31.
