Readers, this is not a drill: Fall is finally upon us in Gainesville. The mornings are crisper, the nights are pleasantly cool, and we’re finally switching from iced coffee to hot pumpkin lattes. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
Well, maybe not: The government is still shut down, and Congress is scrambling for a solution to the looming debt ceiling problem. According to Public Policy Polling, Americans’ approval rating of Congress is lower than their approval rate of Wall Street, zombies and hipsters.
Anyway, here’s your en-route-to-New-Orleans-for-the-LSU-game edition of Darts & Laurels.
First, a LAUREL to citizen lawn mower Chris Cox, who made headlines this week for appearing at Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washington, D.C. armed with gardening tools and busy tidying what’s been neglected during the shutdown.
“I want to encourage my friends and fellow Americans to go to their parks and show up with a trash bag and a rake,” he told the Washington Post. “Show up with a good attitude and firm handshake for the U.S. Park Service.”
We could DART the government for a plethora of reasons, but today we’re aiming specifically at the government officials responsible for approving the Utah National Guard’s purchase of a $47,174 mechanical bull.
According to Gawker, “The National Guard put in the request for a ‘Mechanical Bull Sales bull which needs to be durable & low maintenance’ on Sept. 14. And, unlike the 7,000 preschool children enrolled in Head Start whose low maintenance eating and learning needs are not currently being met, the government came through with a bull.”
Sounds like a load of bulls**t to us.
On to happier news: The Nobel Prizes! The Nobel Prize in physics was awarded to the team responsible for the Higgs boson — or “God” — particle.
According to a UF News release, a group of about 40 UF faculty, research personnel and students contributed to the discovery of the Higgs particle, especially Guenakh Mitselmakher, Andrey Korytov, Darin Acosta, Paul Avery, Richard Field, Ivan Furic, Jacobo Konigsberg, Konstantin Matchev and John Yelton. This week, we give a LAUREL to the UF scientists who assisted in this important discovery.
Of course, not all scientific endeavors are so noble. This week, Digital Journal reported a new cure for premature ejaculation has hit the market in a form of a spray called Promescent that desensitizes men and works to prolong sexual activity. We suppose providing a quick fix for those living under the heavy burden of premature ejaculation is more marketable than, say, developing cures for AIDS or a Plan B pill that doesn’t make you barf.
Wait a minute, no it’s not. A DART to the Promescent developers and our condolences to their poor mothers who have to explain what their sons do for a living to their book clubs.
Have a safe weekend on Bourbon Street, and go Gators!
A version of this editorial ran on page 6 on 10/11/2013 under the headline "Darts & Laurels"
