Who’s excited for the annual butt-whoopin’ that’s become the jorts-wearing rednecks vs. those toothless hillbillies (DISCLAIMER: If you kiss your cousins, eat raccoon backstraps for breakfast, live in the hills and play the fiddle for Friday night entertainment, STOP READING!).
Our favorite announcers, Uncle Verne and Gary, return to The Swamp for what should be Florida’s ninth straight victory against the team that couldn’t even beat the Gators with the greatest quarterback to ever live.
No, we’re not talking about Tyler Bray.
Here to debate the college football game of the week are Phil Heilman and Joe Morgan.
They’ll be debating No. 23 Arizona State (2-0) vs. No. 5 Stanford (2-0) because the Southeastern Conference slate is as putrid as Tennessee’s quarterback play. It’s just downright stinky.
Arizona State (+9) will pluck every string off Stanford’s old banjo because...
Their mascot — the Cardinal — is a color. Not the bird. A color. That’s all I really have to say about the Pacific-12 Conference. Oh, yeah. Oregon’s good.
- Joe Morgan
Stanford (-9) will drink all of Arizona State’s moonshine because...
Andrew Luck is really good. Have you seen that guy throw the football? Wait, what? He’s in the NFL now? Well, I have always been a big fan of trees.
- Phil Heilman
Now onto the picks!
Leading the pack at 18-5-1 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Research? What’s that?” Jones, who bragged that he merely goes with his gut while picking against the spread. Yeah, bud. Blind squirrels occasionally find nuts.
Next up at 16-7-1 is alligatorSports editor Phil “Tough Love” Heilman, who could use an appearance on a VH1 dating show after revealing his recent relationship status — or lack thereof. Live it up, Phil. I heard some of those Tennessee fans are actually fine ladies. Right, Holt?
Tied for third at 15-8-1 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Adam “Happy Valley” Pincus, who spent five days in State College, Penn., to visit his girlfriend last week. He probably spent more than just gameday in Beaver Stadium, if you know what I mean. Just kidding, I’m sure she’s a nice, respectable young lady.
Also tied for third at 15-8-1 is alligatorSports assistant editor Adam “I have no fashion sense” Lichtenstein, who rocked some nice Sperrys with white crew-cut socks at the Florida-Miami game. Jeez, I know you love your mother, but I think it’s time you have her stop buying your clothes and dressing you in the morning.
Also tied for third at 15-8-1 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe “WE DON’T NEED TEBOW, OK?!” Morgan, who continues to root for the most hopeless team in the NFL. C’mon, Joe, it’s time to move on. No ugly uniform combination or washed up quarterback will ever save that franchise.
Coming in fourth with a record of 14-9-1 is 247sports.com’s Thomas “Toledo Rockets in flight...” Goldkamp, who couldn’t contain his excitement at finding Toledo’s punt scheme in the locker room this week. Dude, it’s Toledo. Florida could’ve fallen asleep for the first quarter, drank some Tennessee moonshine for the second and still have beaten them. Quit fetishizing stats!
And in dead-ass last place with a piss poor record of 12-11-1 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “You better not put that in the P-p-picks Column!” Thompson, who is more defensive of his lifestyle than Brent Pease is of Florida’s offense for fear it will be printed in these pages. Chill out, Edgar. Nobody reads newspapers anymore, right?
Also in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 12-11-1 Bryan “Baby Mama” Holt, who bagged, well, something the night before the Florida-Tennessee game in Knoxville last season. If you see an abnormally small baby wearing jorts with a mullet and crying for some creamsicle, you know where his bloodline lies.
Games: North Texas at Georgia (-33); Tennessee at Florida (-17.5); Michigan State at Notre Dame (-7); Purdue at Wisconsin (-24); Bethune-Cookman at Florida State (-40); Arizona State at Stanford (-9); Savannah State at Miami (FL) (-59.5); Auburn at LSU (-18.5)
Cody: UGA, UF, ND, PUR, FSU, STAN, SAV ST, LSU
Phil: UGA, UF, MSU, WISC, FSU, SAV ST, LSU
Joe: UGA, TENN, MSU, WISC, FSU, STAN, MIA, LSU
Adam L: UGA, TENN, MSU, PUR, FSU, STAN, SAV ST, LSU
Adam P: NTEX, TENN, ND, PUR, B-C, ASU, SAV ST, AUB
Thomas: NTEX, TENN, ND, PUR, FSU, STAN, SAV ST, AUB
Bryan: UGA, UF, ND, PUR, FSU, STAN, SAV ST, LSU
Edgar: UGA, UF, ND, WISC, FSU, STAN, SAV ST, LSU
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Tennessee quarterback Justin Worley (14) is sacked by Oregon defensive tackle Taylor Hart (66) during UT's 59-14 los in Eugene, Ore., Saturday, Sept. 14, 2013.
