Last semester, I read a fascinating book called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb (I know the title doesn’t sound encouraging, but just give it a chance). In her book, Gottlieb discusses the raw, hard-to-swallow truth about the consequences that come with being an overly picky woman. The main consequence being, of course, that you end up single. Gottlieb can speak from personal experience since she, at the age of 46, has never been married. It’s easy to take offense to this book, but if you approach it with an open mind, you’ll see that Gottlieb brings up a lot of accurate and eye opening points.
One of my favorite sections is when Gottlieb talks about the difference between maximizers and satisficers. This is a theory introduced by social scientist Barry Schwartz, which basically describes a maximizer as always looking for “the next best thing” while a satisficer finds what she wants and is happy with what she chose. This is a theory that can easily be applied to the dating world. Do you classify yourself as a maximizer or a satisficer? In other words, when you find a thoughtful, intelligent and handsome guy to date, do you brush him off to wait for a thoughtful, intelligent, handsome and athletic guy? Or, as effectively stated in the book, “instead of wondering, Am I happy?, maximizers wonder, Is this the best I can do?” This kind of mindset, Gottlieb argues, results in a vicious cycle of uncertainty and unhappiness in the long run.
In addition, another significant point the author makes is that women in today’s society often have a sense of entitlement when it comes to dating. We all think we deserve perfection when it comes to our partners, but we fail to consider our own flaws. I’m completely guilty of this. I’m only 5’1’’. Yet I’m incredibly picky about height – I like men over 5’10’’. I have a tendency to put up walls and be suspicious of everyone’s motives. Yet I expect my man to always be a warm and open person with me. When I’m in a bad mood, I dole out very biting words and put on my “glass is half empty” attitude. Yet, I expect my partner to always be emotionally stable and compassionate enough to patiently deal with my mood swings. What is this? What makes me (and other women like myself) so entitled and quick to judge?
What I’m trying to say through these statements is not that we should compromise our values or be stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. What I’m saying is that we should strive to be a little more open minded and lean toward being a satisficer rather than a maximizer. Figure out which qualities will actually matter to you in the long run, such as loyalty, intelligence, family background, etc. And try to be more flexible about the qualities that won’t last, such as “sparks,” excitement and attractiveness. The truth is, we can settle on the less important qualities and still end up with an absolutely amazing person. It’s only the romcoms and Nicholas Sparks novels that try to convince us otherwise.
Although Gottlieb’s book was written for those who have the intention of finding a long-term relationship, her advice is ageless and will prove to be helpful to everyone at some point in their lives. I definitely recommend picking this book up for a read this summer.
