This is the end, my only friends, the end.
We’ve done it: another school year come and gone like a hobo running away after he’s finished masturbating in the parking lot behind Leonardo’s.
For me, it’s the last one. This time two weeks from now, I’ll be a college graduate. I’ve gotten a lot of help from a lot of people on the way to this point, so I want to use this space to thank them.
First, I’d like to thank Sami Main, the Alligator’s opinions editor, for supporting me even when various Internet commenters called in no uncertain terms for my rape, murder and firing. (Not in that order.) During the Neal Boortz fiasco earlier this semester, she wrote a kick-a-- editorial backing me up. (By the way, the headline for that editorial was one of the best burns I’ve ever seen in print.)
It probably would’ve been easy for her to disown me, print a retraction and go on like nothing happened. Instead, she laughed with me at the haters and sent them a love letter with more snark than a Lewis Carroll poem. Everyone needs to remember the name Sami Main because 10 years from now she’s gonna be working with Tina Fey while we’re all flipping burgers and stealing change from homeless people.
That reminds me: I need to thank everyone who’s ever helped me out financially. I’m worse with money than Antoine Walker, which explains why I’m eternally broke. So many people have been there for me at one time or another, in ways both big and small, it amazes me.
Maybe it was just buying me a burger or paying me $50 to lay mulch for a day or letting me borrow rent money while I was waiting on a paycheck. I don’t have enough space here to list everyone or to fully express how much it’s meant to me to be the recipient of this wonderful outpouring, but just know: If you’ve ever given me money or food or helped me in any other way, I won’t forget. Maybe someday I’ll be not broke, and then, boy, things are gonna turn around for you and ol’ Dallin.
Until then, you kinda have to settle for old-fashioned, heartfelt gratitude.
Lastly, I’d like to thank every professor who’s dealt with the headache that is having me in a class.
I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m a self-important a--hole with an overinflated opinion of my own abilities. I like to write really ambitious papers, and I don’t always succeed, so what I turn in is often a terrible version of an essay that ends with me basically saying, “I tried, and I failed. Oops.”
I can’t imagine having to grade my s---. So thanks for putting up with me, teach! Beyond that, I’ve learned an astonishing amount about literature, philosophy and life from all of you.
If I have one piece of advice for young underclassmen or incoming collegians, it’s this: Listen to your profs. They’ve been around the allegorical block, they’ve written a lot and read a lot more, and they’ve got some ideas that’ll change the way you see everything. I’ll never forget the day Dr. Shoaf told me, “Singularity is analogous to insanity,” or when Dr. Dunkle (my mentor at community college) said, “You know, a man can buy a degree, but he can’t buy an education.”
That’s the truest thing I’ve learned in college. There’s a way to get through without learning anything: Trust me, I’ve seen it done and did it for a while. It wasn’t until I started reading the material, listening in class and really thinking about what I was learning that college started to make sense to me.
College is the time to find as many ideas as you can, get as much information about them as possible and then pick the ones you like best. Don’t be scared of thinking! It’s never bad to have an open mind.
Anyway, this is supposed to be an opinion column — even though most of the time I kinda just ramble incoherently about nothing because I’m an incorrigible jacka--. So, here’s my opinion for today and for forever: F--- off, haters.
Dallin Kelson is an English senior at UF. His column runs on Mondays. You can contact him via opinions@alligator.org.
