It’s that time of year again: Ladies can’t go into a bathroom stall after three coffees or for a discreet pre-microeconomics exam cry without encountering an 8.5-by-11 sheet of printed paper advertising a summer sublet.
The roommate ads you find blend together after a while. They’re all impersonal, offer the same description of the apartment’s amenities and the same promise of a “quiet, respectful” roommate.
The last paragraph of the ad urges you to call or email, and as the semester draws to a close, the ads take a turn for the frantic: Renters cut the price, offer to pay utilities and sign over their firstborn child if only you could rent their room so they can go to Cabo for two months.
Unfortunately, my roommate is also leaving for the summer. Well, not really for the summer — she’s skipping town.
I’m in a bit of a bind because she told me last night, so I’m searching for a person to live with for the summer and possibly indefinitely.
You probably have questions about what it would be like to live with me.
Rather than hedge the facts and rely on bland descriptions of apartment amenities, I will let you know exactly what kind of roommate I am and what I expect of you.
My home is pet-friendly, and I ask that you treat my dog, Winifred Ironwood, with the same respect you would treat a person.
Please also call her by her first name, as she is a purebred. If you have a male dog of pure breed, that would be ideal — I’ve been interested in breeding for a while, although I’d ask that you supply the necessary paperwork. I can’t do Winifred a disservice by spoiling her bloodline. Please, no Australian Kelpies, shar-peis, shih tzus or chow chows. Their coloring would not match Winifred’s, who is a Chinese crested.
If you have other pets, I ask cats be only of the outdoor variety, all rodents be spayed and all birds salmonella-free with clipped toenails.
Previous applicants have found my avid doll-collecting off-putting, but fellow American Girl doll collectors should feel free to apply. I keep them displayed in glass cases, and my collection has grown so large over the years that the cases are floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall. I love the way I can feel all their beady, glass eyeballs on me at all times: It makes me feel safe.
I should also mention any roommate would have to vacate the premises on Wednesday evenings from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m., which is when I take each of my 200-plus plastic friends out for routine cleaning and maintenance.
I don’t keep any newspapers or magazines in the house, otherwise the ink gets everywhere, and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! Feel free to read them on the porch, but they must be stored outside the house.
Just because we would be roommates does not mean we can’t be best friends! I am currently looking for a workout buddy to spot me, as my Shake Weight sessions can get pretty out of control.
I also enjoy many fun hobbies such as amateur parkour, extreme couponing and competitive juggling.
Potential roommates should be aware they would have to undergo a rigorous application approval process.
Applicants would be provided with a comprehensive handbook for being my roommate, including my preferences on your personal hygiene habits and diet (no cooking with cumin, curry or chili powder — the smells irritate my nose and turn my stomach, which is problematic, given my abnormal hair-trigger vomit reflex).
Inquiries should be emailed to liddlekiddlez@hotmail.com or via Neomail on the Neopets website, if you have an account. I check mine quite frequently.
I look forward to meeting my new roommate and BFF!
Chloe Finch is a journalism sophomore at UF. Her column runs on Thursdays. Yes, this is a parody piece.
