Can you believe we only have six weeks left until the end of the semester? In case you haven’t already had a panic attack or started freaking out, now’s the time. Once you do that, just grab a cup o’ joe, sit down with your textbooks and just rage.
It’s the no-we’re-not-ready-to-leave-quite-yet-but-we-guess-we-have-to-at-some-point edition of ...
Darts & Laurels
Have you looked at the Twitter account @_FloridaMan? It’s just a collection of the worst news headlines because they all start with the words “Florida man” and end with something horrible. Here’s one to ponder: “Florida man shot neighbor’s cats, police say.” Well, that’s just great. “Andrew Straley, 34, told officers he often shot at the cats with a pellet gun but was not trying to kill them, only scare them, according to a police report,” according to ClickOrlando. Thanks, Florida Man, for keeping our state awful. We give a you-give-love-and-Florida-a-bad-name DART to @_FloridaMan.
If there’s one thing you should never do, it’s mess with the devoted fans of any super-popular TV show or movie franchise. Don’t even tempt them. This week, a Kickstarter was started by “Veronica Mars” creator Rob Thomas to fund a movie for the beloved, and canceled, show. “At one point Wednesday afternoon, by my monitoring of the online tote board, the project was raising $1,000 every 20 seconds,” wrote the Los Angeles Times. “By 9 a.m. Thursday, Thomas had exceeded his stated goal — the amount a Kickstart project has to reach or the pledges are voided — by nearly $700,000, with 29 out of 30 fund-raising days left to go.” We give a TV-lovers-everywhere-shouted-words-of-joy-at-their-laptops LAUREL to “Veronica Mars.” Congrats, everyone! We sure did it.
Hey, do you like to be scared by nature and what other countries are doing to it? Cool, so do we! This week, “Three Ukrainian commando dolphins trained to search for mines, attack divers and plant explosives have escaped from their handler in the Crimea, Russia’s RIA Novosti news agency reported,” said a USA Today article. Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard of? Would you ever think to be scared of dolphins? No. Not at all. Because dolphins are awesome and shouldn’t be trained to attack people or plant explosives. We give a damn-just-when-we-were-getting-used-to-the-Earth-taking-people-via-sinkholes-and-now-we-have-to-worry-about-effing-killer-trained-dolphins DART to Ukraine.
“The world needs more fat people,” McDonald’s must have thought to itself in its crazy corporate brain. This week, “McDonald’s Corp will give away more than a million breakfast McMuffins across China on Monday, a few days after Chinese state television airs its annual expose on corporate malpractice to mark World Consumer Rights Day,” reported Reuters. McDonald’s said it was totally a coincidence. Yeah, right. Come on, America. We have a ton of problems, and obesity is definitely one of them. How about we try to not infect the world with our awful fat disease? We understand how capitalism works, but stop bringing the worst stuff around to the rest of the world. We give a you’re-a-terrible-company-but-damn-what-good-French-fries FLART to McDonald’s.
Keep your heads down, Gators, and do good work the rest of the semester. Have a safe weekend!
