It’s Spring Break, so most of you will never even read this paper because you’re already headed home. For those of you who are looking at this, we’re sorry. You must have had an exam or something.
It’s the let’s-get-the-hell-out-of-here-it’s-Spring-Break-let’s-go-to-a-beach-resort-like-that-one-episode-of-”Saved-by-the-Bell” edition of...
Darts & Laurels
This week, two senators introduced a new bill about the safety and selling of puppies through online breeder services. Puppy Uniform Protection and Safety Act — fetchingly abbreviated as the PUPS Act — wants to “close an Animal Welfare Act loophole that has allowed large-scale online puppy breeders to skirt regulations and safety inspections,” reported the Huffington Post. The senators who proposed it were Dick Durbin, of Illinois, and David Vitter, of Louisiana. We give a your-names-sound-like-villains-from-1940s-gangster-movies LAUREL to the PUPS Act. The press release from the senators seemed to base the bill off vague stories about the media, but if we somehow are the cause of the cutest act ever, then so be it.
Columnist Chloe Finch discussed Morrissey’s refusal to share the same timeslot as cast members of “Duck Dynasty” on Jimmy Kimmel’s show this week. Turns out, she was right about the family coming out on top of this slight disagreement. “The season three premiere delivered 8.6 million viewers,” reported Entertainment Weekly. “That’s huge. It’s not only the most-watched ‘Duck Dynasty’ episode ever, it’s A&E’s most-watched telecast ever and ranks as cable’s biggest reality show telecast so far this year. The 10 p.m. episode (the first of two back-to-back airings) was up 132 percent vs. the second season premiere.” We give a suck-it-Morrissey-reality-TV-is-awesome-also-we’re-vegetarians-too-we’re-just-not-schmucks-about-it DART to Morrissey.
Are you tired of seeing gross acne all over your hideous face and body? Are you tired of infomercials pointing that fact out to you, too? Have no fear: Science is here! There are good kinds of acne bacteria and bad kinds of acne bacteria. Scientists might be close to figuring out how to use the good ones to our advantage. “Dogs are dogs, but a Chihuahua isn’t a Great Dane,” Noah Craft, a dermatologist at the Los Angeles Biomedical Research Institute who conducted the study with colleagues from University of California, Los Angeles, and Washington University in St. Louis said in the Los Angeles Times. “People with acne had pit bulls on their skin. Healthy people had poodles.” We give a thank-you-for-putting-that-into-a-metaphor-and-language-we-can-understand LAUREL to scientists. Just hurry up, and fix every problem for humanity, thanks.
Pour one out for the homies at “Girls Gone Wild.” “In a strategic move to protect itself from multimillion-dollar debts and legal awards, the company that produces the Girls Gone Wild videos has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy,” reported USA Today. How will Joe Francis appear in many Bravo TV reality shows to cause trouble? Darn it. We give a we’re-being-sarcastic-please-lose-all-your-millions DART to “Girls Gone Wild.” Best of luck? Well wishes? Don’t let the jail doors hit you on your pompous a-- on your way in?
That’s it for us, folks. Have a wonderful and safe Spring Break, please. We’ll be resting up to get ready to kick the last half of the semester’s butt, and we recommend you do the same!
