It’s the most election-y time of the year. With kids passing out fliers, and candidates asking “HEY DID YOU HEAR—?” It’s the most election-y time of the year.
Welcome to the just-put-in-your-headphones-or-carry-a-lot-of-things-or-look-really-sad-or-angry-or-use-that-time-to-call-your-mom edition of...
Darts & Laurels
One of the biggest manhunts in recent history ended this week, and there’s kind of no one to claim the $1 million bounty. “He calls his rampage ‘my last resort,’ according to the manifesto,” said a report by CNN. This is another instance where better and more available mental health care in this country would have prevented deaths and injuries. We give a take-a-deep-breath-everyone-and-calm-down DART to Christopher Dorner.
We love New York City’s mayor, Michael Bloomberg. He’s like our grandpa who actually cares about the country and isn’t too racist. (Don’t look at @ElBloombito on Twitter.) This week, he gave his last State of the City address. “One product that is virtually impossible to recycle and never biodegrades is Styrofoam,” Bloomberg said in his annual speech, according to the Los Angeles Times. It is “something that we know is environmentally destructive, that is costing taxpayers money, and that is easily replaceable.” Good for you, sir! We give a maybe-that’s-why-the-rent-is-too-damn-high LAUREL to Bloomberg.
A fifth “Die Hard” movie opens in theaters this week. Could that, like, be too many “Die Hards”? “We are very excited about the ‘Die Hard’ marathon,” said an AMC spokesman to New York Times columnist Joe Nocera. “It will be a great time for our guests.” The company had its “security measures in place,” the spokesman told the New York Times. Seems like all the time is the best time to be concerned about overzealous gun nuts in this country. We give a at-least-the-movie-is-rated-high-enough-that-not-every-kid-will-grow-up-watching-mindless-violence DART to Bruce Willis. Maybe hang up the ol’ acting hat. Imagine if Kevin James had to star in a movie called “2 Fat 2 Furious.” No one would be happy.
According to The Independent, U.S. health experts “revealed that an ‘ongoing, severe epidemic’ of sexually transmitted diseases is sweeping the country, with over 20 million new cases diagnosed every year.” Gross. Really? Valentine’s Day was this week, so the number probably increased by a ton. We give a well-you’re-young-you’re-allowed-to-have-irresponsible-fun FLART to American youth. The report also said “over half the 20 million infections were contracted by people aged 15-24.” Let’s just try to tone it down a bit, folks.
We’d like to take this time to remind you that some people are entirely not very honest at heart. This is about the email from last week. “The email in question was sent by Leah Miller, a liaison between the Swamp Party and its fraternity house representatives for the upcoming SG election,” said the Alligator’s report. “It asks the 25 representatives to collect ‘I Voted’ stickers from everyone in their rosters and supply the party with a $250 check.” Super squirrelly. “The email’s final lines read: ‘DELETE THIS AFTER YOU GET THE INFORMATION!! WE CANT HAVE ANYTHING ON RECORD! Sketchy, but do it! Thanks!’” Take two minutes to sit down and think if you want to elect a party that can’t even secretly email correctly. We give a don’t-let-us-tell-you-what-to-do-but-also-remember-the-Unite-Party DART to some Student Government officials.
Have a safe weekend, and go Gators!
