Like you, I take the upcoming Student Government election very seriously.
Or maybe you don’t take the upcoming SG election very seriously, in which case we are no longer friends (or if we weren’t friends before, we are now; so there).
As you know, a central part of being a serious election taker is arguing about issues.
As Americans, we have a constitutional duty to argue indiscriminately about issues and to refuse to concede even the smallest point to our opponent by dismissing their arguments with eye rolls and condescending sighs.
This duty applies to the SG elections as well.
Unfortunately, I find it difficult (but not impossible!) to argue about things I know nothing about. Today, I will present in a special edition of the-column-by-that-crazy-dude-with-the-beard a guide to each party’s stances on the issues that mean the most to all of us.
All information is taken from official party websites, Facebook pages or other productions. Except for the stuff I made up.
1. FREE SPEECH
Free speech is an issue very close to the empty space where my heart should be. I believe government should protect free speech — not try to actively restrict it. For example, say there are two hypothetical publications.
We’ll call them the Iliad and the Crocodile.
One of them has been fighting a losing battle with a government allied with the other over a vaguely illegal attempt to severely hinder its circulation. If the party in power were to support free speech, perhaps this battle could be won. Hypothetically. Let’s see what the parties say about it.
STUDENTS PARTY: “The Students Party stands for free speech.”
SWAMP PARTY: “Lunch with Christina — have lunch on the lawn every two weeks to talk to students about their needs.”
Is this lunch free? Is it scheduled, or is she just going to show up randomly every two weeks and start asking students about their needs? Whose lawn? What kind of needs are we talking about here? How many hypothetical questions are you allowed to ask before a gag gets played out? The Swamp Party has not answered any of these questions. Possibly because I didn’t ask them.
ADVANTAGE: STUDENTS PARTY
2. STANDING
As you all know, I am a big supporter of standing. I do it at least three times a day. Standing in, standing up, standing down, standing for — these are all great things we can do because of our constitutional right to stand. How do the parties compare in the stances on standing?
STUDENTS PARTY: “The Students Party stands…”
SWAMP PARTY: “Newell Hall study center to allow students to study 24/7.”
I don’t know about you, but I never study standing up. So I think the Swamp Party is opposed to standing. I’m not going to take this sitting down!
ADVANTAGE: STUDENTS PARTY
3. HAVING “STUDENTS” IN THE NAME OF THEIR PARTY
This one is self-explanatory.
ADVANTAGE: STUDENTS PARTY
Well, with a score I wasn’t keeping track of, the Students Party wins my vote. I found representatives of both parties to interview for their reactions to this.
Students Party representative: “What are you doing here? This is my bedroom! It’s like 4:30 in the morning!! I’m calling the cops!!!”
Swamp Party representative: “Dallin invented me. Like, right now. He didn’t even do that right, either. He made me a 50-year-old, retired, Polish ballerina. I don’t have anything to say about some dumb SG election. I don’t even speak English!”
I want to end on a serious note. Save the racks. Fight breast cancer.
Dallin Kelson is an English senior at UF. His column runs on Mondays. You can contact him via opinions@alligator.org.
