Hear us out:
Think back to when you first read through the Harry Potter book series. Remember how terrible it was in the fifth book, when the Ministry of Magic started controlling Hogwarts too much, and it sucked? Remember how Voldemort made seven Horcruxes that split up his soul so he wouldn’t die all at once, and one of those was his snake, Nagini?
Get ready to jump the shark with us.
The joke is that Gov. Rick Scott looks a lot like Voldemort (it’s not, like, a funny joke, because he actually does look like him, but we digress).
Years ago, Scott cut the education budget in our state by $3 billion, and it sucked. Now, all of a sudden, he’s increasing education budgets all over the place. Last week, he “promised to ensure the University of Florida reaches the ranks of the nation’s 10 best public universities,” according to the Sun Sentinel.
What a change of heart! Maybe Scott saw the error of his ways and remembered that the children are the future. Maybe he wanted our state to have something to be proud of instead of feeling shame about what happens here!
During the 2010 election campaign, the Scott family adopted an adorable dog, then made this announcement: “The Scott family is proud to announce that the name (chosen by you) for their newly adopted pup is Reagan! Thanks to everyone who participated in the fun contest,’’ according to the Tampa Bay Times.
Then, someone realized we hadn’t seen Reagan in a while.
“Asked last week what had happened to the dog, Scott’s current and former communications directors refused to answer,” the paper wrote.
Uh oh. This doesn’t bode well for Nagini — excuse us — for Reagan.
Scott eventually spoke about the dog and said that, as a needy rescue dog, Reagan couldn’t get over his fear of people carrying things, according to the paper.
So the family returned the dog it adopted during an election cycle to All Pets Grooming & Boarding a month after the Scotts moved to Tallahassee.
Then what happened to the snake — sorry! — dog?
You can’t just return an animal because it scared one of your kitchen staff members and a photographer. First of all, stop having house elves — sorry! — kitchen staff, and maybe you won’t have that problem. The family, of course, has a new dog that is reportedly sweet and needy-in-a-cute-way.
When reporters at BuzzFeed started to dig to find out what happened to Reagan when the Scott family returned him, they ran into an information roadblock. At first, employees had no idea what happened to the dog. Apparently, upon further investigation, we learned that Reagan now lives on a horse farm, and his name is Pluto.
No one is buying the whole dog-now-lives-on-farm story. It didn’t work when we were kids, and it’s sure as hell not going to work now.
All we’re saying is that maybe the Dark Lord Scott could consider being nice to students and animals at the same time.
