Editor's note: This column was written as a satire by a UF student. Ryan Lochte himself had absolutely no involvement.
To the executives at E! Entertainment Television,
Greetings.
It is with heavy heart that I pen this letter, for I am deeply disappointed with the preliminary tapes I received of my show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Furthermore, I am concerned with the way I, Ryan Lochte, am represented as an athlete, comedian, actor, and connoisseur of fashion and footwear with this network.
I hope the executives, directors and production staff will take my concerns to heart, as it appears no one at this network seems to recognize humor in the form of satire and irony. Apparently, the insufferable personalities of the Kardashians and Ryan Seacrest have understandably numbed you all.
I digress.
I am tired of wasting my comedic genius on a satirical Twitter account that is wrongly perceived to be sincere.
I am tired of my pithy catchphrase, “Jeah,” being bastardized on unironic frat tanks worn by America’s drunken youth.
I am tired of suffering in silence as the punch line to society’s jokes while Michael Phelps is allowed a serious career as a student to Tiger Woods in his pursuit to master golf. I ask, E!, where is my mentor?
Why is Phelps offered assistance in his switch from swimmer to golfer, and I am refused a switch from swimmer to actor?
When is it Ryan’s turn?
I suffered through my appearances on “90210” and various “Funny or Die” videos in hopes that my natural ability as a fine thespian would be recognized by more important directors, but no.
Instead of receiving offers for serious projects, I am shoved into the ranks of the Kardashian family, the forgotten other Jonas Brother, Ice-T and Ryan Seacrest.
I’m sick and tired of continual punishment and mockery simply for being young, beautiful and enjoying a night out every once in a while.
I spent many hours with the crew rehearsing my show in one act, “Chlorine Dreams and Ripped Speedo Seams,” but I saw nary a mention of my foray into play writing on the tapes.
In addition, my extensive contributions to the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too were largely ignored, as was the album I recorded in my home studio of classic movie themes performed on the recorder.
All of this, of course, was on top of my rigorous training and pursuit of true life in various clubs in downtown Gainesville.
For shame, E!, for shame!
I was also troubled by the statements I read in the Washington Post last week from E! Entertainment President Suzanne Kolb.
Kolb said, “Watching this show, I believe people will fall into three categories: they want to be him, sleep with him or mother him.”
I found it incredibly rude and insensitive that Kolb would try to foist an image of me as a conceited, promiscuous boor with an Oedipus complex on the American public.
I was told this reality show would be a chance for my fans to catch a glimpse into the deep waters of my complicated psyche and see me not as a paltry Nike designer or Olympic medalist but as an artist.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “To create, — to create, — is the proof of a divine presence.” I am only striving for that divinity, and I am hurt that this network has made a mockery of my attempts to become a serious actor.
Due to contractual obligations, I suppose there is not a thing I can do. I will continue to suffer the pains of being attractive and talented.
Only in my art will I find solace. As acclaimed American acting teacher Stella Adler said, “Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Jeah.
Signed,
Ryan S. Lochte
Chloe Finch is a journalism sophomore at UF. Her column usually runs on Thursdays. You can contact her via opinions@alligator.org.
