It’s time for Black Friday to be illegal. Seriously.
No, this isn’t just sour grapes from a guy shut out of buying some $20 phone or whatever the hell Walmart deal was the good one this year.
And while it’s true Black Friday deals aren’t all that interesting when you can barely afford food on a daily basis, I’m not saying this because I’m jealous of people who have the money to drop $400 on a seventh TV simply because it’s on sale.
Listen, guys, Black Friday makes us look stupid. I’m sure you’ve seen at least one of those ridiculous videos that look more like Chicago during the 1968 Democratic National Convention than the aisle of every Walmart in America. Those people are fighting for the privilege of paying Walmart less money than they usually would for a product they don’t need.
That’s what Black Friday is all about: buying things for yourself and for other people because of want not because of need.
I don’t believe Christmas should consist of getting exactly what you want.
I think this complex in the American consciousness, which I’ll term the Black Friday Complex, derives partly from the (admittedly awesome) movie “A Christmas Story.”
If you haven’t seen that movie, shame on you, first of all. But, the ending is: a little boy has the best and most memorable Christmas of his life because his dad got him exactly what he wanted.
So, America, after seeing that movie, subconsciously made this axiomatic oversimplification: If I get someone exactly what they want for Christmas, then our Christmas together will be memorable and heartwarming.
You hear people say, “What do you want for Christmas? Make a list of things you want!” This reveals another shortcoming of the Black Friday Complex.
When we succumb to the idea that the only acceptable gift for someone is the gift that he or she wants (another Christmas-related axiom of our culture), we overlook the fact that getting someone a gift, not that they requested but that you thought of, is one of the great ways to show how much you love someone.
Give from the heart, not the wallet.
And this is where Black Friday comes in.
The commercials and the entire culture surrounding Black Friday support the ideas that money can buy love and gifts can buy affection. The proliferation of that culture has infected the way we receive gifts as well as give them.
We think the only people who deserve our affection are the people who give us the expensive gifts we asked for.
It’s a self-perpetuating cycle of destructive materialism that leads to people bashing one another in the head at 5:30 a.m. in fits of sweet potato-induced madness, trying to buy half-priced video game consoles.
I’m not down with that cycle.
I just wish it could be otherwise.
Our culture is ingrained with a lot of materialism, but that’s healthy because it gives us a reason to want to educate, improve and advance ourselves in order to acquire things.
In the acquisition of things, we can forget there are people around us: people who are worth more than things that can be bought.
So please, this holiday season, don’t ask for the newest TV or game system; settle for a real gift from someone who really loves you.
Also, when you open your gift from me and find that it’s actually a piece of wood from my backyard fence with your name and a smiley face gouged into it, don’t hate me for being a cheapskate. Really.
I’m just rebelling against a culture of American materialism. I swear.
Dallin Kelson is an English senior at UF. His column appears on Mondays. You can contact him via opinions@alligator.org.
