We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column usually make our picks each week without a second thought, exercising gusto, guts and a bit of bravado. However, we’ll all make picks come Tuesday that we’ve carefully considered, and we encourage you to do the same. That being said, the presidential race has featured plenty of mudslinging and with only 10 games separating first and last place in the Picks Standings, things are getting chippy amongst the pickers. We’re talking personal insults. Despite the bad blood boiling, we’re trying to run a clean race here. But hey, no promises!
Now, onto the picks!
LSU (+9.5) will punch Alabama so hard there will be no chads left hanging because…
The primaries have been a cakewalk for Nick Saban and Alabama. The Crimson Tide’s eight opponents this season have an average record of 4.4-3.6. Meanwhile, the Tigers have won back-to-back games against ranked opponents. LSU is battle-tested, and this season, Alabama has won as easily as, well, a Republican running for office in Alabama.
—JOE MORGAN
The Crimson Tide (-9.5) will sweep the Tigers in an electoral landslide because….
Alabama has the master politician: Nick Saban. We are all constantly entertained by The Mad Hatter, whether he is eating grass, calling an ill-advised trick play that somehow works or allowing a live Tiger into his stadium. But those gimmicks won’t fly in this grind-it-out election. The cool, calm and collected Saban will have his top-ranked squad ready to hit the campaign trail. Roll Tide!
—JOSH JURNOVOY
Leading the pack at 44-28 is Rivals’ Bryan “I’ve got a, uh, skin condition” Holt, who went to the store this week to buy some more lotion. Maybe he needs some ointment to soothe the burn of his recent rejections by the various women he meets at Midtown. Or maybe it’s something else.
Sitting in second at 41-31 is The Associated Press’ Mark “Heads up!” Long, who walked right into a pole after hanging up on a phone call this week. Wow. There’s really not much to say here. It’s kind of mean to make fun of an old man with terrible depth perception.
Up for bronze with a 40-32 record is alligatorSports editor Greg “OH MY GOD! DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT!” Luca, who is too invested in reruns of VH1’s “Scream Queens,” which is a reality show that has previously determined roles in Saw VI and Saw 3D. Jesus, man.
Tied with Greg is Matt “KOBE!” Watts, who is way too excited about his ability to shoot cigarette butts into a coffee cup. This definitely tops Friday night Netflix viewing and cuddling with slutty Durka as your most athletic activity.
In fifth at 38-34 is Jason “Don’t be a violator, sweetie,” Lieser, who is keeping his daughter in line by threatening to send Georgia linebacker Jarvis Jones after her. This beats boarding school in Haiti as your worst parenting move to date.
Sporting a .500 record at 36-36 is alligatorSports writer Josh “Easy, breezy Cover Girl” Jurnovoy, who showed off way too much knowledge about makeup in his Monday column. Josh, it’s OK if you wear makeup and dress like Donna Summers late at night. You need to indulge those urges. We just don’t want to hear about it.
In seventh with a 35-37 record is Joe “Planned parenthood“ Morgan, who is already shopping for his not-even-in-the-works child’s first Braves jersey. Just because Chipper is your idol doesn’t mean your kids will care in 2037.
And in dead-ass last, with a piss-poor record of 34-38 is alligatorSports writer Adam “Fartbreaker” Pincus, who recently shared a trick of the dating trade with his colleagues. Be a gentleman and offer to walk around the vehicle and open your date’s door. While walking around the car, pass gas. Ladies, if you’re reading this, you’re welcome.
