We here at alligatorSports Brand Picks Column weren’t the most well-off in the financial department to begin with. Then we turned into a bunch of degenerates and bought way too many Powerball tickets on Wednesday night.
Did we win the lottery? No.
Will we be living like homeless people on our road trip to Florida’s bowl game in New Orleans, one of the most fun cities in America? Yes.
Anyone want to spare these sports reporters some pocket change so they can experience hand grenades for the first time? Didn’t think so.
This week, Josh Jurnovoy and Adam Pincus debate the Pac-12 Championship Game between Stanford and UCLA.
Now, onto the picks!
UCLA (+9) will punch its lottery ticket against Stanford because...
Beating a team in consecutive weeks is hard, and the Bruins get another shot after losing at home last week. In a Pac-12 title matchup more surprising than winning Powerball, UCLA rides running back Johnathan Franklin to a win.
-ADAM PINCUS
The Cardinal (-9) will scratch off a win against the Bruins because…
Stanford has hit the jackpot before with Andrew Luck. This season, it struck gold on the other side of the ball with its rush defense, which ranks No. 1 in the nation. Franklin might think he’ll keep drawing lucky numbers, but the Cardinal defense will make sure it doesn’t happen.
-JOSH JURNOVOY
Leading the way at 65-39 is Rivals’ Bryan “God bless Evan Longoria” Holt, who tweets about Tampa Bay Rays baseball like it actually matters. When you spend $100 million to extend a player who still has four years left on his contract and you play in a dump, what the hell are you doing? At least they aren’t the Marlins.
In second at 61-43 is The Miami Herald’s Matt “You hurt my feelings” Watts, who got into a spat with a stranger on Facebook and, for once, didn’t get the last word in. It’s OK, V8KLLR.
Just behind at 60-44 is alligatorSports editor Greg “NOT MY BLANKIE, YOU GUYS” Luca, who went all Linus van Pelt on his roommates when he found his blanket in the middle of the living room floor. Relax, Luca. Just keep sucking your thumb. Mommy’s almost done washing your blankie-poo.
Still in the hunt at 58-46 is The Associated Press’ Mark “Khan-spiracy theorist” Long, who was stoking a potential conspiracy theory with the Jaguars — OK, just stop, Mark. We know it’s your job and all, but NOBODY CARES. JESUS.
In fifth at 56-48 is the Palm Beach Post’s Jason “Sleeping like a Baby Back” Lieser, whose cure for any illness is a rack of ribs and some NyQuil. We’re not doctors, but that combo just doesn’t sound safe. Good luck.
Tied with Jason is alligatorSports writer Josh “I’m objective, damn it!” Jurnovoy, who recently got some flack from his frat buddies for being too down on the Gators. Just admit it, dude. You were wrong. Oh, wait. You did.
Avoiding the cellar at 53-51 is alligatorSports assistant editor Joe “Ain’t nobody fresher than my clique” Morgan, who swags around the office spitting rap lyrics as if an Atlanta Braves hat isn’t his only connection to rap culture. Plus, we’ve seen you and your clique. Just about everybody is fresher.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 48-56 is alligatorSports writer Adam “Jackpot!” Pincus, who won a Powerball of his own when he found half-eaten bag of peanut M&M’s. Every man’s trash is Pincus’s treasure.
