Have you ever read something so scathingly bitter that it made you clutch your proverbial pearls out of joy?
Thank you, Pete Wells, for writing an honest review of Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square.
Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar seats 500 people, but it doesn’t appear to serve edible food.
“The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant,” Wells wrote.
That line comes at the end of his two-page review, which he wrote almost entirely in questions.
“Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square?” Wells asked to begin his review. “Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did it live up to your expectations?”
“Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?” he continued. “When you saw the burger described as ‘Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,’ did your mind touch the void for a minute?”
A lot of people talked about this review since it was published on Tuesday. Why give so much attention to one food review?
Wells is well-known for nearly burning down establishments with his words, though he doesn’t always attack them with the vinegary bite of this review titled “As Not Seen on TV.”
Three words: This is awesome.
For too long, America has been under the guise of Fieri, with his insipid shows on Food Network and his ill-begotten hosting gig on “Minute to Win It.”
“When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?,” Wells said.
Yes, Wells, let the hatred feed your anger. It’s about time we all came to grips with who Fieri truly is: a person probably in it only for the money. It seems like Fieri unapologetically created a persona strictly to swindle money from people. We’re taught these days, that we need to have a personal brand.
Does Wells’ review seem unfair or overly harsh to you? Maybe he just visited on an off night or something.
“How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable?,” Wells said.
Whoops. Guess they also messed up nachos, which we can make in our own microwaves with very little hassle.
“What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?”
Exactly, Wells. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Because Fieri is an ass, and now we all know so.
