After two weeks on the road, we here at alligatorSports will finally spend a weekend in Gainesville. But instead of catching up with school work and cleaning up the hell holes our rooms have become during our absence, we plan on getting wasted on whatever’s cheapest and introducing ourselves by our column names to numerous unimpressed females at Midtown.
Success or failure, our pride shall not be dashed. Besides, we have another two weekends in town to charm unsuspecting co-eds with our enthralling tales of life on the UF gymnastics beat.
This week, Adam Pincus and Josh Jurnovoy debate a game they will likely ignore as they clamor for the affections of a girl at the bar who will someday tear our ragtag staff apart.
Arizona (+23.5) will fill up the scoreboard against because...
Rich Rodriguez has recovered from his Michigan hack job and rekindled his high-flyin’ offense.
The Ducks have been more concerned with their game day attire than playing a real opponent. Oregon hasn’t shown it can hold an offense like Arizona’s in check.
Look out for Arizona senior quarterback Matt Scott, who lit it up last week. Plus, have you seen the latest issue of Sports Illustrated? Oregon’s bright yellow jerseys hurt my eyes.
Arizona covers!
- ADAM PINCUS
Oregon (-23.5) will waddle its way to victory because...
The flamboyantly uniformed Ducks will want to up the ante on Saturday to psych out their upstart Pac-12 rivals, who have somehow managed to equal their 3-0 start.
Oregon will emerge from the tunnel wearing uniforms that are bright green from head to toe and dotted with small yellow ducks, as the home fans coordinate t-shirts in a yellow-out.
If that doesn’t throw the Wildcats off their game, then De’Anthony Thomas will. Quack! Quack!
- JOSH JURNOVOY
Now, onto the picks…
Leading the pack with a 14-10 record is the Miami Herald’s Matt “I love you, 7F!” Watts, who recently decided a flight from Charlotte to Tampa was his opportunity to loudly pronounce his love for an entirely uninterested passenger. Shockingly, she didn’t take the bait. Who can resist a broke sportswriter with an occasional anger problem?
In a four-way tie for second with a 13-11 record is Rivals’ Bryan “Winnie the Pooh can’t take my Honey Boo Boo” Holt, whose obsession with TLC’s newest reality show has simply become too much. When asked where the show was filmed earlier this week, Bryan answered “McIntyre, Ga.,” a little too quickly. The South will rise again! Key word: “will.” People like Holt are holding them back.
Next up is alligatorSports writer Adam “I like having things in my mouth” Pincus, who recently discovered the snacking joy of sunflower seeds. For Pincus, the trouble is never what’s in his mouth — it’s what comes out. I guess we’re not all equipped with common sense.
Then there’s alligatorSports writer Josh “What the hell is Google?” Jurnovoy, who either botched the spelling or completely misfired on just about every name he included in his stories this week. Here’s a hint, Josh: When you see red squiggly lines everywhere, hit spell check. You’ll be better off for it.
Rounding out second place from the Associated Press is Mark “Where my tribesmen at?” Long, who used a break during a recent interview session to identify and tag all the Jewish members of the UF media contingent. Sorry, Mark, but they were never going to invite you to their Rosh Hashanah keg stand.
And tied for dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 12-12 is Palm Beach Post writer Jason “Too grown up for the fist bump” Lieser, who coolly turned down a fist bump from Will Muschamp, offering back only an open palm and an unrelenting glare. The duo engaged in the familiar game of hand-greeting-method-switching roulette we all know too well, with Coach Boom ultimately walking away contact-less after deciding Jason wasn’t worth the time. I mean, the guy doesn’t even know who Mark Bavaro is. Idiot.
Also in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 12-12 is alligatorSports assistant editor Joe “All I want for Christmas is a pair of glasses” Morgan, who can’t read anything smaller than size-739 font or see anything more than 15 yards away, but doesn’t think this problem needs to be addressed. When you edit a newspaper and watch sports for a living, clearly ‘vision’ isn’t an important skill. Joe’s only hope is that Santa brings him a shiny new pair of spectacles this holiday season, because obviously St. Nick has the necessary infrastructure to conduct an eye exam and suggest a proper prescription.
Rounding out the three-way tie for dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 12-12 is alligatorSports editor Greg “This is a bad neighborhood!” Luca, who always harps on his passengers to lock the doors of his blue Cobalt when they exit the vehicle. Lock them yourself or get a car with power locks, Luca! Even the most thuggish carjackers take a look at your ride and decide to pass, if only out of pity.
