Like the throngs of people waiting for the release of Lil Wayne’s Dedication 4 mixtape, we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column started bugging out when the calendar turned to Aug. 30 yesterday! College football season has arrived! Wait, Weezy didn’t drop the tape on time? I see “Sorry 4 the Wait 2” on the horizon!
This week, we let two writers debate the old-fashioned, traditional Michigan-Alabama showdown.
‘Bama (-13.5) will bury Michigan “6 Foot, 7 Foot” under because...
It’s Ala-BAMA!
Nick Saban is all jacked up on Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, and Eddie Lacy is the next great Crimson Tide running back. Alabama returns four starting offensive lineman with 95 combined career starts, including All-American center Barrett Jones. If any offensive lineman is a household name, it’s this guy.
The Wolverines do not stand a chance against this Southeastern Conference behemoth. Hell, even Wolverine can’t take down big, bad ‘Bama.
Let’s talk about Denard Robinson. Can that guy even throw a daggum football? I’ve seen mistakes more accurate than that guy.
—JOE MORGAN
Michigan (+13.5) will be steady mobbin’ Alabama because...
Southeastern Conference or not, the boys at Alabama are human.
Sure, Saban and the national champs have all the talent in the world and are primed for another stellar season in 2012. But that doesn’t mean a defense returning only four starters will be ready to contend with Robinson, maybe the top dual-threat quarterback in all of college football.
In 2011, he became just the third player in FBS history to rush for 1,000 yards and pass for 2,000 in back-to-back seasons, and there’s no reason he won’t be even better in 2012.
Besides, the north is just better. Simple as that.
—GREG LUCA
Now, onto the picks...
Moving up to the football beat and alligatorSports assistant editor is Joe “Screw technology” Morgan, who hunt-and-pecks his way through his stories and transcriptions with literally two fingers. Like a hunter using a slingshot, Joe isn’t interested in keeping up with the times. We once suggested he could dictate his stories to us over the phone, but he was worried that, once his beeper went off, he wouldn’t be able to find a phone bank before deadline.
New to the alligatorSports staff and football beat is Adam “Casual Tuesdays” Pincus, who showed up for his fourth day of work wearing a knockoff Miami Heat championship tank top and a camo velcro Coors Light hat. Way to make a strong first impression. In related news, Pincus is a member of a fraternity.
Then there is The Miami Herald’s Matt “Too good for Nease girls’ tennis” Watts, who is writing for The Miami Herald in exchange for food stamps and creeping on 17-year-olds instead of actually furthering his career.
From InsideTheGators.com, Bryan “Traffic medians are stupid” Holt, who decided that an unexpected game of “Chicken” was the best gift he could give to a friend on his 21st birthday. Holt, buckle up, keep those hands at 10 and 2 and don’t get too crazy. People Only Live Once! Also, the designated hitter is stupid.
From The Associated Press, defending champion Mark “I wish I had a striped, green Gators POLO” Long, who showed his admiration for coach Will Muschamp’s wardrobe by snapping an incognito photo of coach Boom, and tweeting it out to his followers. Will’s a good dude, Mark. I’m sure he could hook you up with some swag.
Then there’s Josh “[INSULT GOES HERE]” Jurnovoy, who is so boring and bland we couldn’t think of anything to write in this space. Could be a long season for the picks column crew. Well, better luck next time.
Another new addition to the picks column this season is Palm Beach Post beat writer Jason “Oh my God! It’s everywhere!” Lieser, who spent his Thursday cleaning up his family’s vomit. Jason claims he may have caught the illness, but we’re thinking he’s just trying to get a weekend off. It’s the first game of the season, man, get it together!
And last, but not least is alligatorSports editor Greg “My ‘Not’ Twitter account is way better than mine” Luca, who is constantly out done by the much funnier, more charming @NotGregLuca.
