I really hate getting sucker-punched. I am constantly being enticed by all sorts of titillating bait, only to get gut-checked by an entirely different reality.
“Wear AXE, so every girl will want you!”
“Spider-Man 3 will be the most epic movie you’ve ever seen!”
Not likely.
My issue is with the expectations. If mine are not met, I am often left disappointed, incensed or embarrassed.
I have decided to use a different approach with this column. Rumor has it that honesty is the best policy. I thought I would set the tone for this semester by issuing the following statement: I am going to be “that guy.”
I spent a lot more time than I care to remember in Miami hair salons while I was growing up.
Trapped in that cruel prison of feminine styling, I gleaned a few indispensable bits of wisdom that have stayed with me:
1.) There is no smell quite as vomit-inducing as human hair that has caught fire.
2.) Jamaican patties are ALWAYS $1. There is no negotiation. There are no IOUs.
3.) Nothing makes a woman think twice about a curling iron like an inch-and-a-half strip of burning flesh across her forehead.
It’s the last point that really resonates here.
After my cousin was accidentally “branded” by a negligent stylist, it took years for her to relax any time the curling iron came out.
Although a hot curling iron has the potential to make the outer beauty of a woman match her inner beauty, it also has the ability to burn and scar her.
This column is not meant to be one of those curling irons. If you’re lost, stick with me — I promise that the dots will connect.
Two things are never brought up in polite conversation: politics and religion. Why? Because they alienate, hurt and infuriate in ways that still make us wince to this day.
I can lay one of your fears to rest right now by telling you that I have very little intention of talking politics in any direct manner.
I will, however, actively discuss spirituality in this column, and I would like for it to not be a surprise when it occurs.
I am “that guy.”
As cliché as it may sound, I tend to think of religious discourse as a hot curling iron of sorts — capable of extreme good or extreme evil. I love hearing different opinions. I enjoy when others make me think and re-evaluate the things I believe.
Like you, I’ve been burned by the crazy weirdos, so I’ll try to avoid their mistakes.
If you’ve “heard it all before,” I humbly ask you to give me a shot. There is definitely a method to the madness.
If you disagree, feel free to harass me via email, write a letter to the editor or apply to be a columnist next semester.
But trust me on this: Just because someone approaches you with a hot topic doesn’t mean they’re trying to burn you.
At the very least, Sally Beauty Supply sells ointment right next to the curling irons — or so I’ve heard.
Ryan Galloway is a religion senior at UF. His column appears on Wednesdays. You can contact him at opinions@alligator.org.
