I liked Nickelback once.
In fact, I liked it enough to attend one of its concerts in seventh grade.
Then, just like the moment I discovered I was actually delivered through my mother’s bajingo and not delivered by a majestic stork, I learned the world can be a dark place.
The concert consisted of Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace and Nickelback, certainly a trifecta from the eighth circle of Hell. A Jumbotron played a montage of women flashing their breasts in between each band, and I was drenched in beer from the gothic-redneck audience surrounding me after the first half hour.
By the time Nickelback came out, lead singer Chad Kroeger was less of a 13-year-old crush and more of a Nicolas Cage look-alike whose “gravelly” voice could be mistaken for his “I’m taking a massive crap” voice.
This was my transition from fan to hater. This is when I realized that a band cannot possibly be good if the lyrics, “If they could love like you and me/Imagine what the world could be,” and, “No doubt that we were heading south/I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth,” could be in songs on the same album.
Look Nickelback, I’m all about going “all in, balls out,” as you sing in “Burn It To The Ground,” but zip up your pants and leave something to the imagination.
Let’s take a look at Nos. 1, 2 and 3 in a list of the top 10 Nickelback songs from voices.yahoo.com for an idea of the band’s inconsistency.
No 3 is “Photograph,” an example of the Nickelback that’s dripping with fake love and poignancy. “Rockstar” takes second, with its alcoholic, pro-drug, disrespect-to-women lyrics.
The No. 1 spot goes to “How You Remind Me,” which actually has some depth and authenticity. It was also released in 2001. If your No. 1 song is from 11 years ago, it’s time to stop.
So please, Chad, go marry Avril Lavigne, star in a reality TV show about sellout pop couples, or maybe start a family of Ramen-haired children. I don’t care. Just stop making my ears bleed.
