Welcome (back) to Gainesville, folks! Sorry for all of the global warming during the summer, but we’re sure we’ll have a milder fall. Even though the weather will be nice, do yourselves a favor, and don’t expect much from the football season. Expect a light chance of touchdowns and a downpour of yellow flags.
So now it’s time for the sorry-for-the-abrupt-transition-but-we-don’t-want-to-rush edition of...
Darts & Laurels
First off, we’d like to send a possible thank you to our good buddy Isaac for threatening the Republican National Convention in Tampa next week ... Tropical Storm Isaac, that is. That’s why we’re giving a good the-RNC-needed-a-shake-up LAUREL to Tropical Storm Isaac.
Fingers crossed that he’s not late to the Grand Ole Party!
Also, we’re throwing a leave-our-puppets-alone DART at the RNC. Andrea Davis, the spokeswoman for the Tampa Police Department, said that protesters aren’t allowed to bring puppets, because “their heads have been used to hide weapons and other matter, fecal matter.”
Although you won’t see them in the crowds outside, you can still see plenty of puppets who are full of s--t on stage.
We give a Why-Canada!-we-hate-your-“punk”-“rock”-bands DART to Canada for allowing Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger to get engaged. Come on, guys. We trusted the Great White North, and this is what they did to us.
That being said, we can’t wait to hear “This Photograph Is Complic8ted” on the radio.
In other celebrity news, we want to give a you-kept-it-together-for-so-long LAUREL to Prince Harry. He was recently spotted partying in Las Vegas, um, naked with other naked people. But give the guy a break! It’s gotta be tough to be the more attractive (yet still not married) royal.
Plus, maybe he just wanted to show off the royal jewels...
If you’re planning a trip to Scandinavia soon, bring extra underwear. This warning was brought to you by the recipient of our we-don’t-blame-you-for-probably-pooping-your-pants LAUREL to a driver in Norway who crashed into a bear after swerving to avoid hitting a moose in the road.
Dudes and moose and bears — oh, s--t!
South African authorities are giving some of their elephants birth control to help maintain the population. This means that elephants in South Africa have more reproductive freedom than women in Missouri.
That’s why we give a why-don’t-you-go-on-a-legitimate-date-with-Mike-Huckabee-to-Chick-fil-A DART to Todd Akin.
Have a dry and safe weekend, and be sure to check back next week!
