Welcome to UF, that shining orange-and-blue Mecca of fellowship and camaraderie. Here, you’re not a number, you’re a person — part of a family that has linked arms across the country to make the Gator Nation.
I’m just kidding, guys.
But don’t get me wrong — you are a person.
And you could argue that this is a family. But keep in mind that it’s a family of about 32,000 undergraduates at one time.
You’ve probably just come in from Preview and a relaxing summer — or maybe you’re still hungover from Summer B — and you’ve been promised a glorious four or seven years ahead sitting next to future Nobel Prize winners and curers of cancer.
Let’s be real. This is a university known mostly for our virginal athletes and a visor-throwing coach from the era of Seinfeld and Gatorade. It’s a big school, and with that comes a mix of pretty much everything.
I don’t mean to gloss over the fact that the UF community has achieved amazing things. We have programs that rank in the top 10 in the nation. Our athletes in the 2012 Olympics won more than half the amount of medals that Florida State athletes have ever won. (How do you like them apples, Tallahassee?)
But we also produced not one, but two, of The Situation’s booty calls. One of our most populated bars is called Balls. Some of your classes will have 400 people in them, and you will be on Facebook at least 40 percent of the time.
So, no, you will not be a gorgeous sports reporter just because you go to UF.
You have to fend for yourself here. It can be an amazing time of your life, but you have to make it that way. Figure out what you want and then go for it.
If you want the classic one-night-stand, hit Midtown or any club. (Attend events advertised through windshield fliers at your own risk.) If you want to grow a spectacular mustache and sweat to death in flannel, head downtown.
If you want to make friends who also like tinkering with things, join Gator Robotics. The point is that nobody’s holding your hand here, but there are a lot of opportunities if you seek them out.
Make college what you want it to be, and you’ll find your place. Don’t feel like you have to do kegstands twice a week, but don’t feel like you have to eat Krishna lunch in front of Library West and contemplate the meaning of life, either.
UF does have a lot of great opportunities to offer, and everyone kind of develops a group crush during “We are the Boys” at a football game.
So take it all with a grain of salt. And Ryan Lochte, you make us look great in the swimming pool, but that grill isn’t doing our No. 10 “Douchiest Colleges” ranking from GQ any favors.
But don’t tase me, bro.
