I am as surprised as you are to see my byline in this paper again. Believe me.
My columnist application was a sincere love letter to my editor. I got an email congratulating me on my selection as a columnist in reply. Is that flirting?
To the freshmen reading my writing for the first time, welcome! Hopefully you’ll come to be regular readers and feel closer to me than the effervescent guy who works the night shift at the Taco Bell on Archer Road (To find out why that is funny, Google “Skambis Defecation Proclamation”).
It is to you, freshman class, that I address this column. Feel special. There is a strange set of phenomena that you are about to witness in the coming days. I offer you this field guide for navigating the start-of-school biome.
Girls will start wearing brightly colored dresses and oversized plumage, prancing about with their arms behind their backs and dying their hair blond (even when blond doesn’t quite suit their complexion). This is an illness by the name of “Really Unnerving Sorority Hubbub” (or RUSH).
From my observations, it seems to last about a week, after which the girls receive envelopes that either cure them of the illness (which involves crying), or causes the ailment to become permanent (which involves squealing).
You’ll also start to see very approachable-looking Protestants standing along the major walkways outside of the major dorms, bearing toothy grins and cold bottles of water. You may not at first realize that they are Protestants, but all the signs are there. If you accept the water, they’re going to want to tell you about a barbecue, or bonfire or something with some contests and free food.
Attend these gatherings at your own peril. At first they seem like innocuous fun, but then you’ve got a plate of food and suddenly people start talking about Jesus. I can tell you not many things are more uncomfortable than a surprise Jesus talk. It’s like ordering a Cheesy Gordita Crunch only to receive a Cheese Roll-Up.
The major political party representatives will also be on campus assaulting you until you register to vote — as they damn well should! It’s ridiculous how lazy and self-absorbed our generation is when it comes to voting. If a majority of students in Florida had voted back in 2010, we might not be stuck with Rick Scott right now. That’s how close that race was.
(And if you’re going to use one of the campus organizations for voter registration, use the Democrats. They have more students working for them than the Republicans.)
You’ll also meet people (usually girls) who will openly say they oppose drinking alcohol underage for moral reasons. They’ll say things like, “Why would anyone want to alter his/her mental state? That’s just stupid” making any passerby being treated for a psychiatric condition feel awkward. When encountering these people, pelt them with copies of “The Great Gatsby” or “Crime and Punishment.” Both are equally effective at repelling them and their inability to differentiate between morality and the law.
The Unite Party in Student Government is a political boss machine run by the rich folk in Greek life. The party’s methods of winning elections are pretty unethical — and no one except this newspaper’s staff cares.
And lastly, stop buying clickers. Those infernal contraptions cost way too much money, don’t transfer over from class to class, and are used mostly to create an audience for bad lecturers. If everyone stopped buying them, professors would have no choice but to stop requiring them. Seriously, the power is yours.
Hope you all have a better year at UF than our football team will.
Chip Skambis is a telecommunication senior at UF. He is a staff columnist for the Alligator. You can contact him at opinions@alligator.org.
