I’m going to graduate in less than a month, which is scary, but it’s not the subject of this column. Because everyone likes to talk about themselves and tell other people how to live their lives, including this paper, I’m going to tell you what I’ve actually learned here at UF without any weird advice about where to poop (OK, fine. Here’s one: Do it at home like a normal person).
Be wary of any professor that assigns a book he or she wrote.
Read the syllabus. Then take a break for a semester. You deserve it, buddy — you just read a whole syllabus.
Cheap beer tastes the best. Unless your friend is buying, in which case you should get something nicer.
Sometimes your classmates don’t know what they’re talking about. Sometimes the professor doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. I always know what I’m talking about.
Accent will host at least one show you will have a test during. It will probably be a show you want to go to.
It is impossible to walk to class without seeing someone you went to high school with.
The only people with a worse reputation than Gainesville cops are war criminals.
Most of the discussions you will remember (both good and bad) went off-topic in and out of class.
Seniors regard the old Wendy’s that was on campus as a fallen war buddy. Taco Bell is getting to that point.
I’ve seen more girls make out with each other to try to anger Turlington preachers than I have at parties, which means I either go to bad parties or need to hang out with more preachers. Also, the only thing worse than the preachers are the people who try to argue with the preachers.
Most of you have probably already skipped ahead to the crossword puzzle. I don’t blame you. If you’re still here, the answer to 56 across is ALOE.
Earbuds are effective condoms for avoiding the unwanted-fliers STI.
Going to sports games other than football is a lot of fun because most of the other teams are, at the very least, competitive and at best, national champions.
Don’t drive past Midtown from midnight to 2 a.m. on the weekend unless you want to come really close to killing someone with a car.
Athletes love Chipotle more than they love coming to class late and sitting in the back.
Your parents are happy when you call and you aren’t asking for money.
Bernie Machen has a decent sense of humor as long as you aren’t protesting him.
No one says, "Meet me at the French Fries."
Quidditch is considered a sport to some people. Usually the same ones who consider Humans vs. Zombies a sport.
Krishna lunch is the easiest way to gain hipster cred, although working at The Top doesn’t hurt.
Taking a nap in the Hub is by far the best way to kill time between classes.
The only thing that changes in Student Government is the names.
Turlington is a labyrinth, which makes boring professors the Minotaur.
Tim Tebow really is Jesus to UF.
Summer classes in Gainesville might as well take place in the sun. There would be the same amount of people either way.
There are people who live in Gainesville who aren’t in any way associated with the university. I haven’t met them.
