The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Spring Break antics never cease to amaze me. From inadvertent scoring to supreme intoxication to dancing with divorcees — I’ve heard it all. But this year, one story took the cake — which was disappointing because I was really looking forward to that cake.
While on a cruise, one of my close guy friends (herein referred to as Carol) slept with a conservative of the “South Carolinian blonde who wants to become a lobbyist for the NRA” variety.
I thought about how odd it must be to sleep with someone who has different sociopolitical views than you. The more I thought about it, the more I realized social conservatives don’t really have a problem seducing liberals. How does something like that happen?
I spoke with some of my other liberal friends about their own journeys rightward. Turns out they’re very similar to Carol’s. What follows is what I learned.
You have to let the conservative come to you if you want to successfully seduce him or her. Don’t feel disconcerted if someone else is at his or her side; it’s usually a clingy roommate. (Personally, I think this means conservatives have taken to using the buddy system to preempt debauchery. I call the buddies chastity belts.)
When the conservative approaches, you must make sure the chastity belt does not pick up on the real reason for stopping by. While on the cruise, Carol was sitting at the bar with his bros when this blonde girl and her roommate made the approach. We’ll call the interested one “Amanda” and her chastity belt “Peaches.” Carol and Amanda engaged in some small talk, which only got smaller as Amanda kept throwing out topic after lame topic, trying to keep the conversation alive.
Carol wondered why Amanda was doing this but then saw that if the conversation died, Peaches would recognize Amanda was there for something Jesus wouldn’t be and lead her away. It came time to go, but Carol told the two of them he’d be on the pool deck later that night, since there was going to be a DJ.
The next step requires indirectly reminding the conservative of the reason he or she approached in the first place: your body. At the event that night, Carol took the opportunity to strip down to his boxers — since he was wearing jeans and a tie-dyed shirt — and go for a swim. When he got out, suave as hell, he asked Amanda if she could lend him a towel. She said there was one in her room he could use.
On the way there, Amanda correctly postulated that Carol was a social liberal since he was wearing a tie-dyed shirt on the pool deck, which he’d accidentally left behind. She told him she was from South Carolina and wants to become a lobbyist for the NRA.
When they got in the room, she threw him a towel and a College Republicans T-shirt. Next thing you know, she was straddling him and shouting — I kid you not — “I’m going to f**k the liberal right out of you!”
Afterward, Carol didn’t really want to see her again and was able to avoid her.
None of my friends advised making a habit of this. Actually going through with seducing a member of the opposite sect can prove dangerous.
Conservatives take their ideologies so seriously that breaking with them sometimes summons a crazy that comes YOLO-ing up out of the underworld.
To take a phrase out of Boy Scout Handbook, “Be prepared.”
Chip Skambis is an English and telecommunication junior at UF. His column appears on Mondays.
