The weekend is here and football fans are preparing for Super Bowl Sunday.
Let's go through the checklist. Hotdogs? Check. Chips? Check. Adult Beverages? Check. Foam Fingers? Why not? Face paint? Too far, man.
Only one thing is missing before we can move into Super Bowl weekend. That's why it's time for this week's if-you-bring-anything-with-the-phrase-"hard"-in-it-you're-uninvited edition of...
Darts & Laurels
To kick it off, for thinking that anyone cares, we toss a you're-not-that-damn-important DART to Donald Trump, who kept the press on the edge of its seat yesterday as it awaited the announcement of whom he would endorse for president.
Guess what?
It doesn't matter one bit.
Next up, in honor of the weekend, we give a perfect-excuse-to-drink-and-eat-like-crap LAUREL to Super Bowl parties.
Whether or not you care who's playing or even if you dislike football, who can be against an excuse to party?
For being completely disgusting and kind of creepy, we give a think-of-the-worst-disease-ever-then-multiply-by-100 DART to USA300, a flesh-eating super-bug spreading across Britain that apparently can spread by sneezing.
It also causes boils and eats away at lung tissue.
Great!
For "perpetrating" a great prank, we give a be-careful-who-you-give-creative-license-to LAUREL to the inmate from Vermont who, when tasked with designing decals for police cruisers, implanted the shape of a pig on the state seal.
If you look closely at the seal, which is part of the decal on police cruisers, you can see that one of the cow's spots is shaped like a pig.
Brilliant.
For lacking restraint and reasoning skills, we throw a police-need-to-chill-the-eff-out DART to Calumet City police officers in Illinois, who shot and killed a 15-year-old boy with Asperger's syndrome, a mild form of autism.
The officers said that the boy was threatening them with a "kitchen knife," but his family said he was holding a butter knife.
What a disgrace!
Finally, we give a thank-you-for-showing-some-humanity LAUREL to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for not deporting Lidiane Carmo, a victim of the Interstate 75 crash last weekend, who lost her entire family. Carmo, 15, and her family were living in the U.S. on expired work visas.
Have a fun and safe weekend, and be sure to check back next week!
