Earlier this week, one of our participants asked what he would win if he finished first in the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column.
Seeing how this is the last Friday of the semester, we thought it was an appropriate time to come up with actual prizes for this thing. At first, we offered space in next Monday’s paper to write a column. This idea was rejected because, apparently, writers really don’t like to write — odd, we know.
Our second offer was a little more substantial, and this is what we have settled on: We are willing to part with a 10-foot tall painting we “borrowed” from a South Carolina sorority house. The artwork, which is displayed on a white-sheet canvas and draws inspiration from the work of Mexican finger painter Lupe Rodriguez, is pretty awesome.
It shows a Gamecock wearing sunglasses and holding a Gator in his arms like a guitar. Above the painting, the artist wrote “Rockin’ Out.” It has been a rough season, but at least the stakes of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column have been raised substantially.
We can’t say the same thing about this weekend’s slate of college football. Everyone in the biz is saying LSU will go to the national championship even if it loses to Georgia this week. And regardless of how everyone else plays, the Crimson Tide will be waiting for the Tigers because — apparently — Alabama is really, really good.
But this week still matters to us, so we let a couple of our writers debate the Southeastern Conference Championship.
The Dawgs (+14) will score the upset because …This week’s game is college football’s equivalent of the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet every January. It’s a matchup that no one really cares about, but it serves as a nice appetizer for the championship. Also, the scrappier team always wins.
And trust us, Georgia is scrappy. The Bulldogs have a couple of running backs who can’t seem to stay out of trouble and a defense that can terrorize an offense — ask Xavier Nixon.
Plus, Georgia is playing for a BCS Bowl bid. LSU is pretty much locked in for a rematch with ’Bama. The last time experts said a team could play for the national title without winning its conference championship game, No. 1 Oklahoma got run over by Kansas State, 35-7 in 2003.
— TYLER JETT
The Tigers (-14) won’t pull an Oklahoma circa 2003 because…LSU is that much better than every other team; it’s that simple.
The Tigers have played seven ranked teams this season and have come out on top in each game. Save for the three-point win against Alabama, which is apparently the second-best team in the nation, the Bayou Bengals have absolutely mauled their ranked opponents, winning by an average of 23.5 points.
LSU is bigger, faster and better than Georgia. If Florida’s defense held Aaron Murray to arguably his worst game of the season, imagine what LSU will do.
Besides, the Honey Badger takes what it wants — and it wants that SEC championship, man.
— TOM GREEN
Now, on to the picks!
Entering the final week in first with a 63-39 record is The Associated Press’ Mark “Age is a two-digit number; I’m more concerned with the seven-digit ones” Long, who is now asking college-aged reporters to hook him up with their female friends. But don’t worry, ladies: Mark will never see you naked. His middle-aged eyes can’t make out anything through that peephole.
Trying to make a final push to catch Mark and in second with a 59-43 record is alligatorSports writer Greg “Marvin Gaye and Chardonnay” Luca, who will be spending his Friday night enjoying a nice (free) bottle of white wine with his roommates and sharing some fine foreign cheeses. To set the mood, Greg plans to light a few scented candles and play some R&B.
In third with a 53-49 record is ESPN’s Mike “Where were you when I was 16?” DiRocco, who for the first time in his life was picked for a team when Will Muschamp asked him to play guard last Saturday. An actor playing Mike in a future film will need to study Dennis Quaid in “The Rookie,” Rodney Dangerfield in “Back to School” and that truffle shuffle kid from “The Goonies.”
Tied with Mike at 53-49 is alligatorSports writer Tyler “Parallel parking is for suckers” Jett, who tried (and failed) to parallel park on the office’s weekly outing to Tijuana Flats for Taco Tuesdaze. But hey, if you’ve been reading this column all season, you already know Tyler has troubles “getting it in.”
Falling to fifth at 51-51 is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “KHAAAAAAAN!!” Watts, who was so overwhelmed by Tuesday’s news that the Jaguars not only fired Jack Del Rio but got a new owner that he donned his bootleg Blaine Gabbert jersey to work. It was weird, not just because Gabbert is awful, but because that’s ALL he wore to work. Talk about awkward.
In sixth at 50-52 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Too easy” Jones, who laughed off a chance to mock the Miami Marlins’ mascot’s new fashion makeover. Cody isn’t a fan of the Miami Vice style; he prefers his “Atlanta chic” look, which includes a patterned shirt, a half-grown beard and one of many Braves hats.
Maintaining his position in seventh with a 49-53 record is InsideTheGators.com’s Kyle “Don’t talk about Timmy like that” Maistri, whose fervent man-love for the Chosen One shone through like a light from above on a recent episode of the podcast. Merril Hoge better look out, because Kyle is on a crusade to end the hate on Tim Tebow. What a homer.
And rounding out the pack in dead-ass last with a piss-poor 46-56 record is alligatorSports editor Tom “Turkey Legs But No Teacups” Green, who again spent a holiday weekend away from Gainesville with his family in Orlando. Sadly, Tom didn’t get to take a trip to the Magic Kingdom for some smoked bird and had to force his mom’s dry, unpalatable turkey down his gullet. Sorry, Barbara, but Tom sold you out. Hey, at least there was cranberry sauce.
