This past Tuesday, I witnessed a couple on a Route 36 bus "first-basing it" while a guy sitting across from them stared intently, jostling his naughty bits.
Now, I'd expect this sort of behavior on the 35 (passing by ShandsCair does things to people), but it seems our town's more prurient residents have taken a turn for the nasty, and it is making me feel uncomfortable. But fear not: There is a solution!
We need to redefine awkwardness as a competition. This means if someone does something awkward around us, we should do something equally awkward back at him or her.
If you see a couple all up on each other out in public, shout stuff like, "Someone's getting laid tonight," or, if said couple is hot, "I'm so jealous of you guys!"
If the couple is ugly, just vomit next to them. People should not bump uglies in public - especially not the ugly. If a couple gets "handsy" on a bus, do what the man I mentioned earlier did. That's my go-to strategy for combating excessive PDA. At least audibly note their public philandering - that's not as rude as their use of public transit for foreplay.
Doing this sort of thing may make you feel awkward. Ignore that feeling. Get offended! A risque public is a risky public. No one should make us feel awkward without our consent. Remaining silent does just that.
Do not misapply this reasoning to rape. It is not the same thing. Making people feel awkward is almost always the expected result from silence. Sex should not be.
The goal is to hold a mirror up to the people being awkward and make them feel the way the rest of us feel. If your reactions to their behavior make them uncomfortable, they shouldn't be doing it in public.
Studies about American civil rights movements always demonstrate one universal truth about maintaining norms: Intolerance works. Homosexual and interracial couples were harassed for kissing in public in the ‘60s - and, awfulness aside, it worked: Homosexuals and interracial couples didn't kiss in public.
Though intolerant tactics have been used for oppressive and hateful purposes, the tactics themselves are not inherently evil. By being intolerant of racism - the firing of Don Imus, for example - society has shoved it underground.
If we aren't locking up those who don't love lock-down in public, we should at least show them just how awkward they make us feel.
C.R. Skambis is an English and telecommunication junior at UF.
