We’re all rednecks at heart.
Sure, you go to college and listen to hip-hop and once traveled to Israel on a Birthright trip; but, deep down, you love the simplicities of the South. Don’t pretend otherwise — we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column tailgated last Saturday, and we saw you in your jort-wearing, Toby Keith-loving glory.
Even you yankees who only enrolled at Florida to appear interesting to your high school classmates: You’re southern now. There’s no going back; you’ve already gone tubing down Ichetucknee Springs and tasted real barbecue.
And that’s OK, because the South is what makes football great. Nobody calls in to radio stations, trolls message boards or poisons a rival’s historic trees quite like us rednecks.
That’s why we were torn up when a classic redneck — Hank Williams Jr., the Elvis of “Monday Night Football” — sullied our favorite game with all that Hitler talk. But let’s not get too sad. There are still plenty of famous rednecks who love football and keep their politics in perspective.
Never will that be more on display than at the Red River Rivalry, going down this Saturday at the Cotton Bowl. We let a couple of our good ol’ sports writers debate.
Oklahoma (+10) will win this slobberknocker because …
The Sooners know how to ground and pound, and they’ve got Monday Night Raw announcer Jim Ross on the sidelines to keep them sharp. On offense, Oklahoma will take a page out of J.R.’s barbecue cookbook and slow-roast the defense.
Expect the Sooners’ offensive line to open holes for Dom Whaley. And, once Texas is lulled to sleep, OU quarterback Landry Jones will hook up with Ryan Broyles for a couple scores.
From there, Texas doesn’t stand a chance because Oklahoma’s confidence is “like manure. You just spread it out and everything grows.”
The Longhorns’ defense, meanwhile, will spend “more time on the canvas than Rembrandt.”
—TYLER JETT
Texas (-10) will perform better than Matthew McConaughey at the box office because…
Case is the real McCoy, and he’s going to follow in his older brother’s footsteps. The Longhorns dropped last year’s shootout to the Sooners, meaning the last time they won was in 2009, when Colt McCoy was slinging the ball downfield. Know who he beat in this game his senior year? Landry Jones.
History is going to repeat itself — much like the plot of every McConaughey rom-com — and the younger McCoy is going to lead the ‘Horns to a triumph in Texas, the home state of the Texas Rattlesnake.
And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so.
—TOM GREEN
Now, on to the picks!
Sitting atop the standings with a 24-15 record is alligatorSports writer Tyler “I always have trouble getting it in” Jett, who was transparent about his most pressing problems while driving his friends to Tijuana Flats on Taco Tuesday. He was talking about parallel parking. But whatever.
Tied with Tyler is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “I’m a regal MF’er” Watts, whose eloquence was on display when he tried sneaking some “Ye Olde English” into a story Tuesday. Listen Watts, we know you’re old, but it matters not whether you were around for King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
In a tie for third at 23-16 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to see it, I tweet it” Jones, who is filling the Atlanta Braves-sized hole in his heart by watching Florida baseball’s fall practices. Come spring, he will also be providing sabermetric analysis to Howard Bishop Middle School’s team.
Also in third is InsidetheGators.com’s Kyle “You started the revolution without me?” Maistri, who is stuck in Gainesville while the rest of America’s ungrateful commie bastards protest Wall Street. You promised you would wait, hippies, and you guys have nothing if not your word — well, that and skateboards and Wiz Khalifa mixtapes and pockets full of weed.
Climbing the standings and in fifth with a 21-18 record is the Associated Press’ Mark “I stopped listening after breasts” Long, who didn’t quite understand why the Tampa Bay Bucs cheerleaders wore pink Monday night. But one thing is for sure: those outfits raised Mark’s “awareness.”
In sixth with a mark of 20-19 is alligatorSports writer Greg “It’s all downhill without Steve Jobs” Luca, who almost deleted the latest edition of our podcast when his MacBook unexpectedly shut down Thursday afternoon. Cool Hand Luca came through, though, tapping his WWSJD bracelet and recovering the files like a whiz.
In a tie for dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 19-20 is the Florida Times-Union’s Mike “I’m not hiding, I’m just short“ DiRocco, who was mistaken for the Wizard of Oz by Trey Burton at media availability last week. No, Mr. Versatility, Mike was not the man behind the curtain.
Also in dead-ass last with an equally piss-poor record is alligatorSports editor Tom “I’m a terrible Jew” Green, who instead of atoning for a life of sin when the sun sets and Yom Kippur begins tonight, will be guzzling the devil’s nectar in the depths of hellish New Orleans. So much for fasting, confronting past mistakes and cleansing your soul. God is proud of you, Tom.
