You guys suck.
No, I'm not referring to those of you who voted against a tuition hike despite the fact that you probably don't work to pay for your own tuition, and that money could have gone to restoring UF's ranking above the University of Miami.
I'm not talking about all the people who have been updating their Facebook statuses and profile pictures for breast cancer awareness month yet have never contributed a penny to promote cancer treatment research.
I'm not even referencing the droves of you who abandon your school spirit as soon as it becomes clear that the Gators are not the best team in the SEC.
No, when I say you suck, I mean each and every last one of you. And I mean that because Gainesville is an absolutely atrocious city to drive in.
It's easy to blame it on our elderly population. It's a popular stereotype for a reason. But a quick Wikipedia search reveals that only 9.8 percent of Gainesville's population is older than the age of 65, compared to the national 12.8-percent level. That doesn't explain it.
So why, I ask you, is getting around Gainesville such a major pain in the ass? The conclusion I've come to is that some of it (maybe a huge part of it) is the fact that Gainesville is home to some terrible, terrible drivers.
If you think about it, you know who I'm talking about. They're everywhere. I can't tell you the last time I pulled up to a light and found myself ahead of the other cars on either side of me.
That's usually not a big deal. Generally speaking, the only ill will that results from Gainesville drivers' inability to stop in front of the white line is that I end up feeling slightly demasculinized when flanked by two Toyota Prii that are an entire car length further ahead than I am.
But it can become an issue, specifically when I try to turn right and find my view entirely blocked by some 10-foot tall truck that decided it would get as close to oncoming traffic as physically possible.
There are other noticeable problems that are far more aggravating. I cannot, for example, possibly come up with an explanation for why everyone feels the need to go 35 mph on any road with a limit of 40 mph, when those same people consistently travel 50 mph on Southwest 16th Avenue by Shands, despite the 35 mph speed limit posted there.
And don't get me started on the people who pull into whatever lane they please without considering that by doing so, they're blocking an entire line of cars who are trying to turn.
You want to get north onto Southwest 34th Street from Southwest Archer Road? If it's a red light, you know full well that you're going to have to cut through either the gas station or that little apartment complex directly behind it. Sure, it's illegal, but the cars that decided to block the turning lane certainly don't seem to care.
Here's the thing: If you guys were just bad drivers it wouldn't really be an issue. I'd pity you for your incompetence. But I'd get over it.
What frustrates me is that I witness driving miracles on campus every damn day. Pedestrians blindly stumble into the middle of the street and can fully expect 20 cars to quickly stop and patiently wait for them to cross.
Let me tell you that it's not like that on other college campuses. You'd get run over at Florida State University.
But here, drivers on campus consistently show that they possess the capability to be considerate and attentive. It's amazing. It's amazing because the second you turn off campus, you're thrown back into the fray of disaster and chaos.
So I'm going to make a proposal. All that skill and tact you show when driving on campus? If you could please, pretty please, take a moment to apply that same finesse to your driving elsewhere in Gainesville, then I, in turn, will never again bore you with a column dedicated to my whining about your driving.
Deal?
Alex Guilmartin is a psychology and pre-law senior at UF. His column appears on Thursdays.
