"We've run a campaign like nobody's ever seen. But then, America's never seen a candidate like Herman Cain."
We sure haven't. At least, we've never seen a candidate willing to endorse an atrocious campaign ad featuring his campaign's chief of staff bumbling through lines like that, followed by said chief of staff randomly smoking a cigarette and said candidate smiling at the camera for a full 10 seconds.
That chief of staff is Mark Block, and that candidate is someone you've probably heard of - Herman Cain. And the video, if you haven't seen it, is worth looking up on Youtube.
Amid a laughable horse race for the GOP nomination, complete with plenty of distracting entertainment and embarrassing debate moments, Herman Cain has emerged as the front-runner in straw polls, garnering 25 percent of the vote in a recent CBS News/New York Times poll.
And as Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are quickly becoming forgotten in increasing numbers, it's clear that at this point, only Cain and Mitt Romney remain as potential picks for the GOP Nomination.
But here's the thing: Herman Cain is in no way a viable presidential candidate. You'd be hard-pressed to find a political analyst who actually takes his chances of winning the nomination seriously.
Much like Bachmann, Herman Cain is simply a fad. But unlike Bachmann, he doesn't seem to be going away.
On the surface, it makes sense. Herman Cain has an everyman appeal. He speaks simply and to the point. He promotes simplifications of the federal tax code and a reduction in government spending. He's even African American, for whatever that's worth.
Yet while thousands of Americans around the nation are rallying against vague notions of corporate greed and big business running the government, Herman Cain is undoubtedly a pro-business candidate. Former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, Cain's current strongest running point is his 9-9-9 tax plan, something that might have come straight out of a computer game.
It's eerily similar to the 9-9-9 default tax settings of SimCity 4.
But more importantly, it's a terrible, terrible idea. Nonpartisan tax organizations are in agreement: Cain's 9-9-9 plan would greatly decrease the tax rate of the wealthy at the expense of everyone else. It's an inherent flaw in any flat tax, because taxing wages and goods hurts the middle-class a whole lot more than it hurts the rich.
So how can a candidate publicly announcing his fiscal support for the 1 percent find a home among a nation caught up in a uniting of the remaining 99 percent?
Quite simply, it's all the tea party's fault. It's a popular boogeyman for liberals, I'll admit it, but there's a reason for that.
It's behind everything.
Of course, that's hyperbole, but it's not really that far from the truth. Herman Cain's support stems from his tea party backing; the same tea party that promoted candidates like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, despite their repeated political gaffes.
Things have gotten downright comical. And I think it's safely time to say that Herman Cain is a sideshow that we can no longer pretend to take seriously. When we hear his name, it should be accompanied with a begrudging chuckle.
Because hey, I liked listening to Donald Trump pretend he would run. But I'd like to think I also knew when to change the channel.
Alex Guilmartin is a psychology and pre-law senior at UF. His column appears on Thursdays.
