Who knew college football’s story arc would take such a mundane turn?
Don’t get us wrong; we still love the game. We love watching “College GameDay” while recovering from hangovers. We love bro’ing out, playing cornhole and heckling fans from other schools during afternoon tailgates. We love seeing Utah State upset the defending national champs in week one. (Wait, what?)
But what’s with those sitcom-writing hacks hijacking our sport’s storyline? We’re tired of this will-they, won’t-they drama unfolding with Texas A&M. Seriously, other Big 12 teams, can you just step aside and let this happen?
But rest assured, fans. We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column are only focused on what you love most: games on the field. That’s why we let a pair of writers debate the game between Missouri (of the Big 12 or the SEC or the Big Ten, depending on when you read this) and Arizona State (from the Pac-12 or 14 or 16 or 32). Let’s get it on.
Mizzou (+7.5) will keep hope alive tonight because …
Friday nights belong to teams with clear eyes and full hearts, and the Tigers fit the bill.
Quarterback James Franklin is the black Matt Saracen of the Midwest, minus the whole sleeping with the coach’s daughter thing. He is a creative sophomore who likes to scramble. He is being asked to replace the golden boy sooner than expected. The whole town doubts he can be a leader.
Before tonight’s game, with pressure mounting, Gary Pinkel will channel his inner Eric Taylor and deliver a poetic, chilling speech as wistful indie music plays in the background: “Don’t you ever forget this: you should feel real proud. This is all yours for the taking. It depends on how much you want it.”
End scene. Texas — err, Missouri forever.
— TYLER JETT
Arizona State (-7.5) will spoil Tyler’s script because …
As much as Tyler wishes his boys from Missouri could get the job done, Arizona State is clearly more fit for the Friday night atmosphere. Quarterback Brock Osweiler turned down a basketball scholarship from Gonzaga to play for ASU, and everybody knows it’s all about two-sport stars in the high school game. Plus they’ve got a guy named Jamal Miles at receiver, and he’s sure to evoke memories of pre-injury James “Boobie” Miles. Just put him in, and watch him spin. If that’s not enough, middle linebacker Vontaze Burfict is everything great about Permian stars Brian Chavez and Ivory Christian in one All-American package. The Sun Devils know what it means to be perfect, and that’s why they’re a lock to come away with the win.
— GREG LUCA
Now, on to the picks!
In first place with a 5-3 record is Cody “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” Jones, who shocked the journalism community by attending the UAA luncheon last Friday, a move equal to abandoning his rebel allies for a meal with Darth Vader and the Stormtroopers. Hopefully he earned some quality brownie points to go with the free pizza.
Also in first is alligatorSports staff writer Greg “Groucho Marx pied me in the face” Luca, whose fifth-grade class was forced to dress like historical figures from the 1940s for a presentation. Greg, 10 years old and dressed as Albert Einstein, was then told to explain the decade to people AT AN OLD FOLKS HOME, thus disproving the myth that students from elitist northeast school systems are smarter than the rest of us.
Sharing the top spot is InsidetheGators.com’s Kyle “We intercept history in the 5-6-1” Maistri, who watched with pride as fellow Palm Beach Central alumnus Brad Peacock blew the game in Stephen Strasburg’s return from Tommy John surgery. Other famous Palm Beach Central students include the assassin of “solo assassin” Lee Harvey Oswald, some guy who heckled Abraham Lincoln during the Emancipation Proclamation and every member of the 2008 New York Giants.
Rounding out the unlikely four-way tie is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “I can scream louder than you” Watts, who spends his days admiring the golden locks of Jaguars (backup?) quarterback Blaine Gabbert in between sending the rookie signal-caller Marlboro-scented fan mail and suggestive cell phone pictures.
In fifth at 4-4 is alligatorSports editor Tom “I wrote a feature on that guy!” Green, who probably would have asked Gators fullback Hunter Joyer for his autograph on Saturday if Will Muschamp allowed freshmen to speak to the media.
Tied for fifth is the Associated Press’ Mark “Am I ridiculously good looking or what?” Long, whose Twitter profile features an old black-and-white photo of him gazing off into the distance. After Florida’s win last week, Mark celebrated by eugoogalizing the nightmarish 2010 season and participating in a gasoline fight with his handsome, well-dressed friends.
In one half of dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 3-5 is the Florida Times-Union’s Mike “I’m going to jump in Charlie Weis’ lap one day” DiRocco, who each week nudges closer and closer to the offensive coordinator during interviews. Careful, Mike; there’s no turning back once you enter that black hole. Just ask Jimmy Clausen’s career.
And in the other half of dead-ass last place with an equally piss-poor record is alligatorSports staff writer Tyler “Leave my insecurities out of this” Jett, whose eyes began to water at a local bar last weekend when he was reminded of an insult in last year’s column. We’ll give you a hint: it involves mothers (not the bar), a phone number and a certain other staff writer.
