We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column aren’t total bros; we swear.
Sure, we walk around campus in our frat tanks, listen to Tiësto and watch “Mad Men” secretly wishing America was still that sexist. But we’re totally deep. We’re like, into politics and stuff.
So, yeah, we were all up in those GOP debates last week, and we have to say we learned a thing or two about debating from Slick Rick Perry: “Was it — was before — he was before these social programs, from the standpoint of, he was for standing up for Roe vs. Wade before he was against, verse Roe vs. Wade?” No doubt.
This week, we want to show you what we have learned, so we let two alligatorSports writers debate Saturday’s Nebraska-Wisconsin game. Take it away, boys.
Wisconsin (-9) will keep our freedom safe because…
The Badgers don’t have time to keep up with all this year’s GOP riff-raff. So this weekend, Wisconsin is going to kick it old school and channel their inner Joseph McCarthy — former Republican senator from Wisconsin — to wreck those commie bastards at Nebraska. They don’t call the Cornhuskers “Big Red” for no reason. Nebraska is doing everything it can to undermine this great democracy, and the Badgers will have none of it. The Wisconsin defense takes the phrase “Iron Curtain” to new levels, shutting down everything it has faced on the way to a No. 7 ranking in total defense. And, with Heisman candidate Russell Wilson at the helm, the Badgers offense is sure to instill the Red Scare in its opponent’s hearts.
Those corn-picking country boys at Nebraska don’t have a chance.
— GREG LUCA
Nebraska (+9) will hold it down for the heart of America because…
Nobody blends pigskin and patriotism like Nebraska. Who is the best football coach from Nebraska? Tom Osborne. Who is the best Republican congressman from Nebraska? Tom Osborne.
And like all great Americans, Nebraska loves nostalgia, especially on the gridiron. That’s why the Huskers are playing football like the forward pass was never invented.
Expect Nebraska to serve up a nice mix of ground and pound this weekend. Taylor Martinez will be running outside. Rex Burkhead will be running inside. Offensive linemen will block. Receivers will block. Just like the glory days, when real men played the sport.
USA! USA! USA!
Right, guys?
— TYLER JETT
Now, on to the picks...
In first with a 19-12 record is Tyler “Red Scare, don’t care” Jett, who revealed that his secret desire is to form a WWE tagteam called The Red Scare so he can hit people with the Iron Curtain. In doing so, he managed to be childish, unrealistic and unpatriotic in one simple sentence. Well played, Tyler!
Tied for first is FightinGators.com’s Cody “I hope Fredi gets fingered” Jones, whose season-long anger toward the Braves’ manager spilled over Wednesday night into a self-destructive rampage, at least by Cody’s tame standards. He screamed, “Well, shucks,” and drank a soda after midnight. Also, he sent Fredi Gonzalez a death threat.
Sitting in third with an 18-13 mark is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “Wheelchairs should come with all-terrain tires” Watts, who can trace every bad thing he has done in life back to his Little League days, when racing to second base with his handicapped partner, he hit a rut and sent the kid into a faceplant on the clay infield. Nice hustle, Watts.
In fourth with a 16-15 record is alligatorSports editor Tom “That’s messed up, man” Green, who was on the verge of tears last weekend in Lexington, Ky., when informed that half of the alligatorSports crew would be spending Friday night in Louisville hanging out with girls. Sorry, Tom, bros don’t always come before hoes.
Also in fourth is The Associated Press’ Mark “I love your interviews because there is so much intellect spilling out of your low-cut dress” Long, who used Twitter to spit game to a smoking-hot Internet TV host recently. Keep up the good work, Mark.
Rounding out the three-way tie for fourth is InsideTheGators.com’s Kyle “I graduated from journalism preschool, thank you very much” Maistri, who had to endure a lecture about conflicts of interest from one of those old and boring and stupid veterans in our field. Kyle also learned you can’t call people old and boring and stupid in a newspaper, but we zoned out long before then.
In seventh with a 15-16 record is alligatorSports staff writer Greg “This is biological warfare” Luca, who put fellow writer Tyler Jett out of commission this week. Greg is 8 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter than Tyler, but he made up for that by coughing, sneezing and breathing his disease-infested breath all over the back seat of Tyler’s car.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 14-17 is The Florida Times-Union’s Mike “How much longer ‘till you guys go away to college?” DiRocco, who blanked this week when a fellow reporter asked the ages of his children. They’re 12 and 13, he said. No wait, 13 and 14, I think. I don’t know.
