Like any good American this weekend, I drank Bud Light, shot bottle rockets at friends and saw “Transformers III.”
Michele Bachmann and her history-confused “Don’t Tread on Me” goons might never’ve been prouder.
But see, at least for a brief moment, I had something to take my mind off the fact that we’re a sports-less country right now.
Welcome to America’s dark abyss.
Unnecessary Spoiler Alert!!! Like “Dark of the Moon” — Michael Bay’s latest story-less action flick that’s two hours too long — the sports world is nearly devoid of any interesting plot to follow.
With two lockouts, no Tiger, and college football almost two months away, the sports universe has skipped the dog days of summer and jumped right into Dante’s “Inferno.”
Seriously, when SportsCenter is obsessing over Novak Djokovic eating grass and Skip Bayless is about to throw blows over Derek Jeter’s inclusion to the All-Star team, we’ve run out of things to talk about.
I’m half-surprised Magic fans haven’t rioted yet after continuously being bludgeoned with lame planking photos from their franchise center, who refuses to use the time off to learn a drop step.
Unfortunately, there will be no escape — at least not for another month or more.
Aside from baseball — which I love, but most people find even more boring than “The Bachelorette” — there’s nothing to watch, and even less to talk about.
Tour de Enhanced? I’ll pass. The only thing more monotonous than watching cycling is watching people discuss cycling.
Abby Wambach and the U.S.’ Women’s World Cup run is OK, but it doesn’t exactly get the jollies going.
The bustling news of NHL free agency or NASCAR’s Chase? Uh, no.
The WNBA? Just shoot me.
There are literally three things other than baseball that are watchable right now and two — Copa América and the MLS — are considered so unpatriotic you can barely find them on cable, and one isn’t even a real sport.
Thank God for “The Challenge: Rivals.”
Honestly, I don’t know where else I’d fill my urge for über-competitive, juiced and liquored-up, crazy athletic people doing anything to earn a quick buck.
We need new hope.
We need old NFL reliables like fantasy football, “Hard Knocks” and frenzied free agency to re-emerge.
The constant legal mumbo-jumbo in two of the world’s biggest sports has sucked the life out of people’s interest. America should never change the channel on sports like it should on the Casey Anthony trial, but it is.
We’ve become a downtrodden sports world that desperately needs a Fifth Avenue face-lift.
We are, as someone once famously wrote, “your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”
Soon there may be light. Soon, the sports world may become more optimistic.
But right now, we just need some goddamn football soon.
