For those who are living in a cave and are unaware, the final Harry Potter film debuts in U.S. theaters Friday.
Some fans will argue that so much content was in the seventh book that it was necessary for the story to be split into two movies. I'm sure it's completely unrelated to the assloads of money the Harry Potter franchise makes from two movies as opposed to just one. I, for one, am looking forward to the conclusion of the series in which I can enjoy fights between valiant wizards and Schutzstaffel Death Eaters, before seeing another incredibly unnecessary Hermione-Harry dance scene.
Thank you for again showcasing the Hollywood liberal ideal that a man and woman can never have a completely platonic relationship. In the end, always be on guard because some wizard will awkwardly sway with your woman as soon as you go off to fix your wand or pout. F**k off, Harry, Ron called dibs. Go snog your ugly ginger.
Before watching the movie this Friday (or before then if you have a functional computer and the appropriate moral composition for illegal activities), it is obvious that re-watching the previous movies is a necessity. Thankfully, ABC Family broadcasts them every weekend.
And with this joy comes ABC Family's ability to effectively shatter my emotional stability with nauseatingly over-the-top dramatic non-drama and depressing "action advertisements."
This channel seems to entice a diverse audience with a combination of both teenybopper public service announcements and a shit ton of guilt.
Will you make the journey to build awareness by watching the ABC Family exclusive movie "Cyberbully"?
How about "Switched at Birth," a stunning representation of the struggle of people who were swapped at birth? So devastated by their identity crisis, they are incapable of showing any form of gratitude for being cared for by two white, upper-class, suburban families from birth.
Even better is the barrage of ads from the World Wildlife Fund or ASPCA.
Now, before you accuse me of being a cold-hearted bastard, realize I recently obtained a new 10-week-old orange tabby domestic short hair kitten.
Little boy cat is at the stage where he is not quite an absolute menace and hasn't pissed over random house objects.
And sometimes he can be a little bastard, but I love the damn thing.
Some people mute the TV and look down until the commercial is gone. Some get emotionally charged and become motivated to donate or buy a new pet.
I just get pissed off. People are capable of filming these animals in cages, financing the production of the commercial and paying ABC Family for the commercial time. Yet they can't release the animals from the cages?
Besides caring for domestic animals, I can also "symbolically adopt" a polar bear from WWFprotects.org.
Why the f**k would I want to symbolically adopt anything? While I'm at it, why don't I symbolically buy a gun to symbolically blow my brains out?
Don't you guys remember I already hate you for forcing the World Wrestling Federation to change its name? Let me enjoy my fantasy world, unless you decide to sell me an abused basilisk, the most bad-ass ward against Horcruxes.
Otherwise, let me watch my movies in peace.
Oh, I guess you shouldn't read this article if you wish to read Harry Potter in the future and still haven't. Maybe I should have posted a spoiler alert. In that case, though, you better avoid all media for the next month or so.
Or maybe just get your act together. Spoiler alert: People are assholes. Get used to it.
Shea Ford is a psychology senior. His column appears on
Tuesdays.
