In a clumsy attempt to salvage its ever-decaying name, the Roman Catholic Church released a letter Monday assuring the world that despite its proclivity for maneuvering through tripwires of legal culpability, it's willing to play ball when it comes to its darkest secret.
"Sexual abuse of minors is not just a canonical delict but also a crime prosecuted by civil law," the letter from the Church's Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith stated. "Although relations with civil authority will differ in various countries, nevertheless it is important to cooperate with such authority within their responsibilities."
In other breaking news from the High Council of Divine Obviousness, water has won its petition to remain wet, summer has decided it will continue to be hot, and Cleveland sports teams remain irrelevant.
While the words printed in the letter carry hints of compassion and a tinge of contriteness, it comes as nothing more than antiquated, over-embellished ceremony that may have worked in yore but carries little weight now, similar to the church itself.
The most glaring aspect of the letter revolves around not any statements included but those excluded. Though the church made recommendations on how to deal with the problem of sexual abuse, it did not lay out any explicit regulations or consequences that specifically deal with sexual abuse. Simply put, the letter is filled with more "shoulds" than "shall nots." With many calling for the church to actually wield a strong hand against the abuse that has affected untold numbers in the United States and across the world, the church decided to once again throw up its hands and cling to subjunctives instead of directly confronting not only a religious problem but also a human rights problem.
When pressed on the issue, a Vatican spokesman said the church could not implement a universal edict for the mandatory reporting to local authorities because "each reality is different, culturally and from the point of view of different countries' laws."
Translation: "You know how much of a pain in the ass it would be to try to enforce this thing? It would take - dare we say - ‘supernatural strength' to actually pull this thing off. Let's just blow more white smoke up to the heavens; the aroma pleases God."
Well here on earth it smells like complete, beatified bullshit. While we're not naïve to think that the church has the power to place its foot down and crush this serpent's head once and for all, it does have the power to stop dragging its feet. In the Gospels, Jesus is quoted as saying "Whosoever shall offend one of [these] little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea." The need for granite has never been greater.
The shuffling of clerical child molesters between parishes, particularly in Europe, resembles a cruel game of carnival three-cup and needs to come to a swift end. The time has come for Philadelphia pedophilia house cleanings, not calls for "healing" through backdoor dealing.
If not, expect no forgiveness from us.
