Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and declare to the world how remarkably awesome you are?
For someone as ridiculously egotistical as me, the answer is a simple one - absolutely.
For me, the decision to verbally stroke my ego, as with every decision I make, requires the application of one overarching concept: Is the personal utility I gain from this action worth the effort it requires? How does one consistently yield the greatest personal utility while expending the least effort possible?
Simply put, I create a study guide to life.
In some video games, players must train a character from scratch, completing quests and gaining experience in order to evolve into the most powerful badass possible (as badass as a pixelated representation of unfulfilled desires can be).
Designers set an estimated completion time for every game ("X hundreds of hours for optimal gameplay").
Yet an industry exists that attempts to smash this axiom. Strategy guides, FAQs and countless forums exist for the sole purpose of reducing the painful drudgery of extended video game duration. Advocates of this process refer to it as "min-maxing," that is, maximizing efficiency by minimizing wasted time and energy.
Some would argue that something is lost in rushing the journey.
I think that's complete bullshit.
In the end, the only thing that is important in life is conquest and domination. You may claim your experience was more holistic and meaningful because you completed something the way it was "designed to be done." But in the end we both got the job done and, in both cases, the game is back on the shelf collecting dust.
School is no different. Some people choose classes for their content, the teachers or to "broaden their horizons." If I have to put in 100 hours for an A, or 2 hours for an A-, my decision is easy.
But, the ultimate "min-maxer" must be a balanced individual. The true challenge is choosing a class that has a high enough reputation but can still be bested through efficient memorization and manipulation of information in a limited time frame, without the busy work.
A "min-maxer" cares more about the contents of the syllabus, then the contents of a class, but is still capable of cramming at the last second and getting an A.
Participation grade? Might as well take a mandatory visit to the castration factory.Taking notes? Naw man, I got Tutoring Zone.I don't get to drop my worst test score? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.
My roommate holds the record. He literally spent less than 10 hours in a classroom last semester, including tests. He's currently deciding between a slew of top-tier law schools. All he does is win.
I'll continue subscribing to my hedonism I get all the payoff of the Cinderella story with none of the evil stepmother shit. No need to wear glass slippers. I find plastic slippers on discount, manage to find a member of royalty to sleep with and still find time to watch a "30 Rock" marathon. All the regal sex without the curfew.
"But Shea, success is more satisfying when it comes with a good Christian struggle."
Sorry, but in terms of college it's all about the letters on the report card. At the end of the day, my goal is to maintain the highest GPA possible with the least amount of effort necessary. Combined with a healthy dose of "college extracurricular activities" (drinking and fornicating), I can graduate a true success with no regrets.
Life is just a numbers game and I'm winning.
Shea Ford is a psychology senior at UF. His column appears on Tuesdays.
