Impending doom arrived May 21, 2011.
Well, it's May 31, 2011, and I see no demons rising from the ash mounts of hell.
We have had our fair share of disasters in recent years: Y2K, anthrax scares, SARS, AIDS, Bird Flu, tsunamis, typhoons, earthquakes and global economic meltdowns. Now we have tornadoes in the Midwest going completely Charlie Sheen. So maybe God is PMSing at least a little bit. Expect his wrath to be full-force once His menstruation starts, and trust me, God has quite a heavy flow.
What is the fascination with the world ending? Are our lives so boring that people actually "hope" for some type of cosmic shitshow to make things more interesting? What makes you think you are awesome enough to interpret His "Word" to the exact date? Don't you suppose that God would be pissed at you for thinking you are arrogant enough to even consider the possibility that you could decipher His super-secret plan?
Give Him some credit. What point is there in divinity if there is no mystery or overarching badassery? A belief in a Christian God should support his eternal dominance, the type that turned jabronis into pillars of salt.
And what about the surprise? God planned a surprise party for the past 7,000 years for Jesus on Earth with plenty of fireworks and demon smashing, and you have the audacity to ruin it?
Why don't you just take the first piece of cake for yourself while you're at it, ya big dick?
What is more frustrating is the fact that these are based on undeniable "proof." Harold Camping has stated that one day for the Lord is obviously a thousand years. Since the flood occurred in 4990 B.C., the spiritual apocalypse would definitely come 7,000 years later in 2011.
The date of May 21 is represented by 722,500 days after the crucifixion. Determined by 5 x 10 x 17 x 5 x 10 x 17. These numbers were selected of course because they were religiously symbolic.
At least the Mayans give us an extension to Dec. 21, 2012 at 11:11 p.m. Personally, I give more credence to them. At least their guess is based on the sun's alignment in the center of the Milky Way for the first time in 26,000 years rather than the writings of old desert scribblings where numbers written in the book by the author were meant to be interpreted differently than how they were written.
Fundamentalists, however, believe the Bible is meant to be taken word for word - except the numbers in it. Those are meant to be "interpreted."
"Shea, wouldn't the rest of the Bible be open to interpretation then?"
"Nope. Just the numbers in it."
"What about the Book of Numbers?"
"Shut up or you will burn in hell!"
I was under the impression that perhaps a miscalculation would instill Camping's followers with a little humility. They would have bought thousands of party hats and noisemakers only to be terribly disappointed at their inability to wear them proudly on their Savior's return in May.
Do they lose their faith? Do they continue going to work as if nothing happened? Of course not. Obviously Jesus was busy, so he had to reschedule. No biggie.
Attention everyone. The physical Rapture will now be October 21, 2011. Make sure to set the event in your Google calendar.
As for me, I cannot side with a group of people who try to avoid the fun of killing demons. Have fun floating up to Heaven naked while I curbstomp the spawn of Satan.
Or perhaps I'll wait for the Mayan destruction. At least there was an entertaining movie about that.
Shea Ford is a psychology senior at UF. His column appears on Tuesdays.
