When I bumbled my way into high school and realized I’d have to start working for Valentine’s Day treats rather than receiving a bag of candy from classmates simply for existing, I got a little sad.
Sure, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful holiday in celebration of love. It’s arguable that it’s an even better day for a girl to kick the shit out of her boyfriend if he messes it up. But what about those who have neither love nor domestic violence to give or receive? What about all the people whose only wish is not to be bombarded with red fliers and revolting Facebook status updates?
Similar to how Muslim Awareness Month coincides with Black History Month, I say the singles of the world rise up and stand proud on Feb. 14 to honor St. Raphael, the patron saint of travelers — or, in other words, single people.
St. Raphael’s Day would work for several reasons.
First, think of the economic boost a new holiday would provide. Usually it’s the chocolate, greeting card and flower industries that boom this time of year. However, supporters of St. Raphael’s Day would uniformly boost the alcohol, ice cream and Cheetos industries. Also, there’s power in numbers, and thousands of singles parading through campus would demonstrate to couples the total lack of ill will and envy. It might even be a good idea for all singles to mark themselves with a jagged half-heart, letting the world know just how not miserable they are.
Last, it’s possible that by celebrating singleness openly, two people might just fall in love. By cajoling “StarCraft” champions into the sunshine where they might meet, there’s a chance a new legion of St. Valentine followers will blossom. I think St. Raphael’s Day will be a success this year. So, single Gators, go buy your cheap Pinot and stock up on your frozen pizza — your yearly ritual of pretending not to care how sad you are finally has a name!
